These are the comments from the blog I posted about the Big fight on my MySpace...

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~Katie~

hey hey now people! why am i always brought into your fights? I DID NOT say you dont care about others!!!!!!! thats a bunch of bs! the only thing i have said was what we talked about the other day! which you and i know what it was! and i still feel that way but that doesnt mean i dont still love you and want the best for you! I hope ur life starts looking upward mama! LUVS

Posted by ~Katie~ on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 11:14 AM
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.:♥{Sittin☆Pretti}♥:.

Well i have been here with you through a lot of this shit. And all i can say is that you need to get rid of ALL the trash that is around you. He said she said bullshit is just down right fuckin stupid. Don't know who to trust and just don't fuckin care. You know who your true friends are. And they are the ones that will stick with you no matter what. You need something and they will try their best to help. You got something going on and are pissed off at it. They will be right next to your side just as pissed and finding ways to help. Regardless if you are right or wrong. Because that is a true friend. And damn it women. You know i got your back. :o)So fuck the haters and just be you.


Posted by .:♥{Sittin☆Pretti}♥:. on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 2:12 PM
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ღStricklandღ

Irregardless of what was said, it would seem that the only time discussion happens is when I'm involved. I specifically told him, I didn't need him running around to text anyone about my problems and it would seem even after he agreed not to, he did anyway. All the more reason to cut him out of my life, I don't need a 15 year old running around to tell the school my problems. They're no one's business but my own, and if I choose to vent to my friends, and include them, and use them as a sounding board, that's my business, and my choice. Next time I'll be sure to be careful who I choose to speak to, because apparently there's some loose lips out there. I am going through a very rough time right now, I don't need to be talked at, preached to, or told I don't have a right to be angry about a situation. Which seems to be some people's preferred method of communication. Those who are there day in and day out, and know the recent revelations understand why I was mad int he first place, and understand the long trial Chris and I have in front of us. Those who love and support us, have done just that, they have tried to wrap their arms around us, and let their thoughts and prayers be our guide. Lisa, you're right I have seen my true friends, and they're in the comments on my page, and the phone calls of support, and the messages of hopes that it will all work out, and the inspiration of keeping my head up and fighting for what I want and who I love. Thank you all again for the support you have given, it has been the one thing to keep my head on straight. I appreciate the shoulders to cry on, the words on encouragement, and the thoughts and prayers of things working out. It is greatly appreciated.


Posted by ღStricklandღ on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 2:38 PM
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**And the subsequent emails:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ~Katie~
Date: Jan 17, 2009 3:37 PM


im not replying back to the blog bc in all honesty i dont really think its a conversation for all to see and put their word in on. your acting like i dont care about you or never have. i HAVE been there for you and HAVE been an ear for you to talk to whenever you have needed it. I agree you shuld get Ron out of your life as i have told you like a million times!!!!! I understand there are feelings but honey hes not the only person who was there for you with everything. as far as i know so was lisa right? so ditch ron and work on you and chris, cause as much as he says he doesnt care that you talk i would imagine he probably does even if just a little bit. Tonya, you first loved me bc of my honesty and if you want to hate me in the end bc of it then thats fine. I know you need people there for you and i never EVER said i wouldnt be there for you. I just think it's not helping to blame everything on others and maybe in the heat of the moment your getting a little irrational. But thats you honey, thats who you are and what you do. which is fine. i knew that from day one. but you also knew im blunt and honest. so i disagree with you ONE time. It's up to you Tonya you can pretend like im some horrible person who hasnt been there for you and get rid of the "trash" in your life. or you can actually talk to me and quit being mad. Bc your complaining about he said she said stuff but thats exactly what you did when you were mad at me... you went to Ron and talked about OUR conversation. which is fine I know that you needed to vent.
But dont act like I did something wrong if you do the same thing!
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ღStricklandღ
Date: Jan 17, 2009 4:10 PM


First I am not responsible for what other people respond, and I am not going to apologize for a friend defending me when she feels it's needed.
Second, I am not mad you disagreed, I am mad about your tact. I am not blaming everyone else for my problems, because if I were, Chris is more than willing to take the fall for all of this, and agreeing with him that this is all his fault is a hell of a lot easier than fighting with him as to why it's not. What I am blaming Bob for is the way in which he is full boar attacking Chris, he has now brought Lorin into it, he has now questioned Chris on several other things and threatened him with eviction with or without me there. So yes, I am blaming Bob for gunning for Chris, for whatever reason. I am also blaming Bob for using his lease to his advantage and forgetting the fact that all his monies gained from that lease are to be IN the lease not added at his discretion, and per his OWN words without 30 days notice. I have a right to do that. There is a way in which you treat people, and there is a way you do not, and he is on the wrong side of the tracks with the way he treats people.
My point about you and Ron talking was that according to him you two have not spoken in weeks, until you and I had an issue. Him and I have been talking as normal the past few days, and he called on Monday asking to go to lunch. He asked me to go to Vegas or Cedar this weekend instead of the hotel, and that's where the conversation about the fight came from. And the day before I believe when I talked to him about what he thought about Chris cheating. He asked why, and said no he didn't believe he was. I said what you said gave me pause, then the next day with the Bob story. I had enough. The difference is, Ron and I talked about more than just you, and according to him and your own words, that's the only thing you two talked about was the whatever between you and I. I didn't "go" to him to talk about our conversation, and every time he asks what's going on in your world I tell him it's not my place to say. That if he wanted to know he'd ask you.
You and I both know we're being played by him, we're too smart of women not to. He talks shit about you to me, and he talks shit about me to you. Then he goes to us and says she said this this and this.
What's more you have a whole hell of a lot of nerve to try and call me out on being "mad at you" for doing something I'm doing as well, when you're jumping on my shit about what Chris and I did to Bob, and you'd have called the police, when YOU have an animal and more than who's on your lease in YOUR apartment. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black sweetie. And THAT is what chapped my ass, NOT you disagreeing with me.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ~Katie~
Date: Jan 17, 2009 4:23 PM


look its this simple. you wanna be mad at me then be mad. u wanna treat me like shit then treat me like shit. what ever makes u feel better at the end of your day. as for me, you havent been the greatest friend. everything is completely about you and i really cant count the ammount of times you have bailed on me. so as for now i think its a great idea if we part ways. true friends can bicker and then come back and say u know what ... who cares.. were still friends.. but apparently thats not the case here. best wishes in the future.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ღStricklandღ
Date:
Jan 17, 2009 4:35 PM Subject:
RE: ...
Body:
Think what you like, you made your points, and I was making mine. To me, that's what 'bickering' is. I'm sorry that I had strep throat New Years, you didn't come anyway. I'm sorry I didn't know our plans for Vegas were solid, and that I put my kids first. Yeah, MY kids, I recall the comment of you telling me that I'm not their mom yet. Yes, I am. I am in relationship with Chris and the first time I see them I am not going to bail, and it's not like YOU came to me and said you were upset. YOU waited how long? Again, don't jump my shit for the same shit you do. I would love to know how I have not been the greatest friend. Please enlighten me. I have never ignored your calls, not answered your texts, or not been there when Ben called, or Ryan turned to Jekyll. Trust when I say it is not always about me, do I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now, you bet. Would I like to be able to sit on my ass and just worry about what to feed Ryder today, peas or bananas. You bet, but for whatever reason, right now, I can't. So now cutting the drama from my life is the first step, and that drama is Ron. You want that cut to be you too, that's your choice. However you had a chance to speak your mind, I chose to speak mine too. Somehow to me, that only seemed fair, but whatever floats your boat chick.

**
Chris is going to the base to get drunk all night tonight, with his friend Matt. My mom and I yet again just got into a fight. Damn me for being dead on that if I said just hold me I doubt he would. Fanfuckingtastic.

I know I shouldn't...I really do, but...I let someone get to me tonight. On top of everything with Chris, and on top of just finding out the piece of shit I always knew Big was but never to this extent, on top of losing a friend, who God knows if Big is just fucking with me, or it's the truth, and on top of Ryder not wanting to go to sleep tonight. I got in a fight with someone online, over poker. He smarted off and I shot back, and it just got nasty. I'm fugly, fat and I'm pathetic, and I'm this and that, and I shouldn't but it's taking it's toll on me because it's all the things I think about myself on a daily basis. All I want to do is curl up next to Chris and say hold me. I can't because I'm in a hotel sitting across from my mom, and even if I did, I don't know he would. I don't know my role in his depression and retreat. In 15 days Chris is activated. He's on leave. He's gone. Granted it's at Hill but I think...he'll stay gone. I heard from him right after he left Friday apologizing for not giving me cash, and had I not texted him at 5pm tonight I think I probably would not have heard from him at all.I don't know my role. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or not do now. There was a time when we would spend literally 20 hours out of the day on the phone with one another if not more. Now...if we weren't in the same house we would probably go days without speaking to one another. He told me it was going to get worse before it gets better, and he does this to avoid getting mean and nasty, but I just...I miss him. I miss us, and it seems no matter what I try, or what I do, it just...goes unnoticed. I dyed my hair red and bought a sexy black nighty...he was tired that night, and by morning he noticed the hair. I had it all planned. Normally he calls when he's on his way home, I was going to light a few candles, Ryder was in his deep sleep, and I was going to seduce my man. However, he was out so late, I was asleep when he got home, and didn't see him again until he got home from UPS. Noticed the hair right away, which is more than I can say for some men.
Bob is trying to get Chris out for reasons that are beyond me, he is nitpicking about everything. Telling Chris he never read the lease, and dragging Lorin into it. I have done my best to keep Lorin out of it, my first inclination was to call him and say please tell Bob we know we were in the wrong having the dogs but that he should know because of his relationship with you and your subsequent relationship with us that we would never do anything to damage the townhouse, or to put his interests in jeopardy. It's not Lorin's business though, so aside from him letting me keep Ari and Ani there he is not a part of it. Chris uses him as a sounding board and asks what he thinks, but he does that with everything. Lorin is a very important part of Chris' life.
I don't know I'm just...feeling alone, and lonely, and scared and worthless and helpless. There's only so many brow beatings you can take day after day before you just want to...jump off a cliff, and in all honesty if it were not for my little monster man finally sleeping and needing to wake up to his mommy there...I'd probably have done it already.
I just...don't know...

As some of you know the day before Christmas eve I was pulled over and my jeep was impounded. 5 days after Christmas, Chris' landlord not so politely informed us we have 10 days to get out. My dogs are now in Lorin's garage. Aribeth;s nose is torn to shit and bleeding from her trying to get out of her kennel. She's pooping in her kennel, they're dirty, and I have no way of getting to them. Or my mom to work for that matter. I tried asking for help, from someone who is supposed to be one of my closest friends and that got me no where. Thanks friend. Happy Friendiversary to you too. Chris keeps having it out with Melissa who apparently feels he's not a good role model. I'm sorry you psycho cunt, you're the one who dumped your husband for your INCARCERATED, ex and current con, abusive, cheating, ex-husband and you want to talk about role models? Chris only tells me after the fact, to which he said today there's so much shit between us he doesn't want to add more. Wow. Didn't know that. Chris has been put through the ringer because of my bullshit. He's gone all the time now, he's been home maybe 10 hours total since Friday. He keeps saying how it's all his fault and those are just the facts, and I don't agree. I just...need a lifeline, and I thought asking Big for the help was it. Shoulda known right?

Since you OBVIOUSLY can't listen, big surprise, let's see if you can read, try getting passed the first line.

After all I've done for you

[CHORUS:]
This time
I'm not gonna stay
This time
I must get away
This time
You've gone too far
(yeah yeah)
This time
I'm not gonna stay
This time
You've got to pay
This time
You've gone too far

You runnin 'round
With those nasty hoes
How long did ya think I
could take this?
You said to me
That's the way life goes
How long did ya think I
could take this?

I should have known
Haa you weren't for real
But my love for you
kept on strong
You better know
You're gonna miss my love
Now you know that I'm
not still holdin on
That's right
All of my friends say
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/7LI ]

[CHORUS]

You've played the game
But you played yourself
Oh boy take a look at
who's sorry now
You're not the same
Oh how you have changed
So now look at you
It's a damn shame

I don't care if I
Never ever see your face again
You broke my heart one
too many times, oh
You think that I'm
I'm just not that strong
My bags are packed
Watch me walk right
through that door

[CHORUS]

Walkin 'round with nasty hoes
Tellin me that's the
way life goes
No, baby
Way too far
Said to me that I'm
not that strong
Watch me walk right
through that door
Hooh hoo yeah yeah

[CHORUS (2x)]

Aw gone too far
Aw gone too far
Aw gone too far gone too
far gone too far

[CHORUS]

You're dismissed

Chris' accident: Chris was in an accident the other day (as you can tell from the previous post). He was getting off the highway and this chick was turning and so he started to go, she just stops for no reason so he taps her bumper. No damage to either vehicle. She turns it in to his insurance company anyway. Anything over 15 miles an hour Chris' airbags deploy, nothing. She's claiming damage to her car and medical. Yeah I'll give that cunt some medical damage if she wants. Bitch. If she knew that Chris' defends her freedom to try and scam people and act like a fucking idiot! Pisses me off.
Kitchen sink: The kitchen sink has some hella fucking clog, we've taken apart the pipes, snaked it, put in Thrift which is this acid shit, for the past 2 days. We've used every dirty dish, now we're down to paper plates and microwave dinners. Which in turn brings us to the:
Chemical burns: While Chris and I were using the Thrift it burned the shit out of him and I. I couldn't type or the past few days it burned the skin off the bottoms of my fingers, it obliterated the tops of my hands and my left arm. It got Chris on the arms and his face is just burned to all hell. We've called the landlord to get a plumber. Even Lorin...a plumber, electrician, and all around general contractor and appliance installer for the past I dunno 30-35 years has no idea what to do next. Chris is at a loss, another general contractor and appliance installer for the past 23 years. It fucking sucks I need my GOD DAMN KITCHEN!
Burns: I have now burned my finger, same finger, twice, separate occasions, top and then bottom. I swear to God Chris and I are effing cursed. It's probably that psycho wench Jen using VooDoo or something.
The kids: So Ethan tells my mom that we have to stay here forever and can't ever leave...as Chris is shuffling us out the fucking door so they can spend the night. STILL won't even broach the subject of getting a house for all of us. Won't even TALK about the idea of subletting this place. Pisses me off.
Big: Several unanswered Yahoo messages and a text message later finally told me 'fine, don't talk to me, have a nice life.' Here's all I have to say to you:

OoooooOoOoOoOoOoO!!!!!! He AGGRAVATES the ever loving SHIT out of me!! Bad enough he tells me 'I love you and I wish you would have done things my way' on the phone the other night, now THIS?

Him - 10:50 am - Morning
Me - 10:51 am - You haunted my dreams last night. You and Dennis, my old manager from AmEx.
Him - 10:52 am - Was I good?
Me - 10:52 am - Not that kinda dream, but yay for wishful thinking. How are you this morning?
Him - 10:53 am - Damn...I could be better, I have a headache and my stomach is disagreeing with what I ate last night.
Me - 10:55 am - Then done eat it.
Me - 10:55 am - *don't
Him - 10:55 am - I'm not going to again!
Me - 10:56 am - Sucks to be her!
Him - 10:57 am - It wasn't pussy! LOL
Me - 10:59 am - Yea yea
Him - 11:02 am - It wasn't!
Him - 11:11 am - So what was I doing in your dream?
Me - 11:16 am - I dunno really I just remember you and I walking.
Him - 11:20 am - Hmmm...
Me - 11:21 am - Mmhm
Him - 11:28 am - Maybe that is something your heart desires - that we just walk and talk
Me - 11:29 am - Who are you and what have you done with Ron?
Him - 11:30 am - Why do you say that?
Me - 11:35 am - My heart desires? You don't talk like that
Him - 11:36 am - Maybe I should
Me - 11:37 am - Since when have you wanted to be a romantic? Or cared about my hearts desires?
Him - 11:39 am - I can be romantic! Since now I guess.
Me - 11:47 am - I know you can be. I asked since when do you want to be? And do you care now for the sold purpose I'm with someone else or because you're looking for a challenge again like in the beginning or do you legitimately see what I saw before?
Him - 11:51 am - Because I'm looking for what?
Me - 11:52 am - The 2nd message should be coming through
Him - 11:53 am - Both
Me - 11:54 am - There were 3 options...
Him - 12:00 pm - Ok...the latter two
Me - 12:00 pm - I don't want to be another challenge for you.It'll be the same as before you bait and catch and toss back in.
Him - 12:02 pm - Ok then...it's the challenge that you are with someone.
Me - 12:04 pm - And what happens if I do leave Chris? Take him up on his offer to see where things go with you? Fun's over and I'm left alone, dealing with heartbroken kids, and devestating the man I have a chance at a real life with? Would you still be there? I'm not so sure. I think you're bored, and love toying with me, and the satisfaction would be in getting me away from Chris because you could, not because you thought you lost something great. Which by the way you did.
Him - 12:22 pm - Thanks. Aren't I just the asshole! Stay where you are.
Me - 12:22 pm - Well please tell me if I am wrong here?
Him - 12:23 pm - You aren't. Have a great day because you just made mine.
Me - 12:24 pm - You brought it up! Run away as usual Ron. God forbid you actually EVER resolve this!
Him - 12:24 pm - It will never be resolved.
Him - 12:25 pm - There is nothing to resolve...you moved on.
Me - 12:25 pm - No it won't, especia.ly when one of us is absent the conversation!
Me - 12:27 pm - No Mr. YOU moved on! YOU told me you were with Idaho! Was I supposed to wait AGAIN on the hopes she'd screw it up AGAIN! So I could pick up your pieces when you send flowers and get no response, in hopes that maybe JUST maybe THIS would be the time you saw me?!
Him - 12:28 pm - I told you I wasn't going to do anything with you until I got here...there. Remember? (I think he meant until 'you got here...there')
Me - 12:32 pm - Yes, and you wanted me here SO bad you offered to help me Mr. Who Got The $5,000 Sign On Bonus. It's convenient for you to use that line, too bad ya didn't offer! EVER! Chris did without hesitation because guess what?! He couldn't wait the 2 weeks until my mom got her payout to be with me! That's someone who wants to be with someone else! Not someone who uses it as an I could have too a month and a half later!
Him - 12:33 pm - Good for him. I don't need to explain myself to you.
Me - 12:34 pm - Uhhh isn't that what resolving it is all about?
Me - 12:34 pm - Either you want it for the right reasons or ya don't, it's cut and dry.
Him - 12:35 pm - Nothing will ever be resolved. We constantly do this and it is moot! We have both moved on. (Funny I thought it was me just a few minutes ago, not us)
Me - 12:36 pm - Then why are you trying if you've moved on? Oh that's right, just like that weekend you wanted to prove to me we could be 'us' still. Cause ya can.
Him - 12:37 pm - I'm glad you have all the answers.
Me - 12:39 pm - Well when you deam me worthy enough to be privey to your answers, then I'm all ears.
Him -12:40 pm - K
Him - 12:44 pm - Why is it some days it seems as all is resolved and then others its just right back into it?
Me - 12:46 pm - Because some days you want me and some days ya don't. I'm your almond joy.
Me - 12:48 pm - I love Chris, I love our life, no matter how rocky it gets. I don't have to do a dance for him to tell me how he feels. He has no issues calling me a bitch, beautiful, or telling me that he loves me, or wants me. You used to be like that. For Idaho's sake you should go back to being that person.
Him - 12:51 pm - And I don't think you are entirely sure you made the right choice either (Either? I'm sorry I didn't have one. You said you were with someone else, so I went off looking for people to fill my time while we were going to be LIVING WITH EACH OTHER! I'm sorry I found who I'm supposed to be with!!)
Him - 12:54 pm - Them he you are so happy then you/we need no resolution.
Him - 12:55 pm - Then if you are so happy then you/we need no resolution.
Me - 1:01 pm - I am happy, but that does not hcance how I felt about you for almost a year. That does not change that I will always love you, and wonder what might have been. But I wanted t o be with the person I first met, the nice guy, not the nice guy who kept breaking my heart (how he described himself to me on the last night we were 'us' before I found out he drove straight through Salt Lake on up to Idaho for the first time, when he started lying to me). He's gone, and I've finally accepted that. Do I think I made the wrong decision? Absolutely not.
Him - 1:03 pm - Then you shouldn't wonder what would have been with me.
And on that note...I'm done, you're right...you're an asshole and I don't need the shit you bring to my life. And as friends on the journal can see Chris and I are in a good place from the emails in the previous post, so we don't need the shit you bring to our lives either. Asshole. One word: Speed.

Chris said something last night that still has my mind running in circles. When I asked what he was processing had anything to do with us he said no that what he was dealing with was him and nothing that could be dealt with right away. So my mind automatically goes to, he wants us to move out. He's not serious about letting fate decide on a house. About calling on 2 and 4+ bedrooms and the first to say yes is where we'll go. So... I'm on the hunt today for 2 or 3 bedrooms for just my mom, Ryder and I. I think...if not for the kids...and how much I have fallen in love with them...that I might have already walked away. He's different, and we're different, and no amount of explaining that he's just got a lot going on, and a lot to think about, and that as long as I don't cheat he's not going anywhere will change the fact it's different. I was happy with Chris, and I have fallen in love with him, and there is nothing more that I want still than to marry him, but sometimes you just have to face the truth. No matter how much we don't want another failed relationship, no matter how much we don't want to hurt, sometimes love just isn't enough. I know...you all are thinking...see we told you. We told you it was going too fast, that you didn't know one another, and we don't blame you for walking away, or it not working. To that I say fuck you. I put up with so much shit, and put my neck on the line so many times, and forgave and forgot so much with Big for 10 months. And where did that get me? No where. He was in Idaho over the weekend, that's where it got me. Had we been together or not, had Chris not been in the picture, and it was just Big and I, I can guarantee he would have been there anyway. That's where the last 11 months got me. So I took a risk, a chance, to finally be happy, and have someone feel about me, the way I feel about them...maybe I was wrong again.
When we were at the base the other day with his friend Larry, he and I were talking. Chris doesn't know what about we kept shushing him away. He gave me the real friend speech, that I better not hurt him. That Chris thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, that he was skeptical at first, but seeing and talking to me he sees now why Chris did what he did to scoop me up. That was so nice to hear, Larry has no idea how nice that was to hear. On the way down Chris told me Lorin thinks I need to move out, his landlord Bob called and told Chris with all those people living there you're going to do right and take care of me, right? I'm sorry what?! This place is clean, the yard is kept up, the house is always decorated nicely for the holidays. The jeep is where no one can see it barely. I'm just...
His mom hugged me after Thanksgiving dinner, and thanked me for the best meal she's had in a while. I knew it would take a while for his family to warm up to me, so I'm glad it's getting there. I think Resa's good with us, his brothers and other sister...not so much. She was coridal if not fridged at Paul's Baptism. Paul's wife was nice, Paul said nothing...
I dunno...Beriet seems...indifferent. I thought her and I would have hit it off the easiest..Jocelyn is like my shadow. She has to always have her arms around me. Ethan...was the first to call me mom..to Melissa...she was not happy. Ethan seems to love my mom, he talks and talks and talks to her.
We're a family...and I love our family...I wish Axell was more involved in it. I know him changing his last name really hurt Chris, so I do get that things are going on...but they're just...different...and I hate it.

It seems every time I come on here to update, something happens and it's just not worth typing a million times because the story is always different.

Ryder - He's gaining beautifully, up to almost 8 1/2 lbs as of last week. He tried to stand in the bathtub, it's his new game. Hold him in a squat and he'll push down and stand up. He just turned 6 weeks, he's already mastering crawling basics, rolling over like a pro, and now standing? What's next walking and talking by 2 months? We finally went and got the DNA testing done yesterday. Maybe now I can finally be divorced. Take David in and start getting the support I need. I'm almost 2 months behind getting it now. Which now come to find out won't be until the 14th of November that we go to court again! I am FURIOUS! That's 3 months tied up with this shit with Jason, 3 months I go without support, and god knows HOW long to establish David. The test was done at the Winnebago County Courthouse in Oshkosh, the depths of hell in the ghetto. The line was 40 people long I kid you not. this is just the beginning, the entrance that far door all the way to the back, the line the same behind me. This is coming out of the elevator:



Utah - It seems Big's company may want to keep in Vegas. And as they should, he's amazing at his job. It's nice to finally see him getting recognized for it. We decided to pass on Gemini Meadows last night, the guy was shady as hell. So now we're looking (just in case) at Southern View (There's a virtual tour at the bottom of the page)and there's quite a few available. Phew! I feel bad, he said something today, I'm not quite sure what it was, but I responded are you getting anxious you'll find a place, and he replied I have one but it won't accommodate you. I told him to take the place if he wanted, that it's not his responsibility to accommodate me. He said we'll just see what happens in the next coming days. Katie brought up a good point, I've helped him throughout this whole process and through a lot. It's his turn, lol. Although I know he has helped me WAY more than I have ever helped him, and more than he will ever know, I'm going to keep repeating this to myself. I have been a part of every single aspect of this whole thing. The phone calls, the terms, the emails, the letters, the interview in Vegas, the house. I want to be there to see this through. I want to be there to see him come home from work, work he's finally being appreciated for, with dinner on the table, and know that I helped him see this through from start to finish. Then I'll fling spaghetti at him until we're in an all out food fight lol. I hope Southern View works out, it's gorgeous, and I think we'd have so much fun living together. We're up all damn night anyway. It'll be nice to have our crazy, deep, funny, light-hearted, fighting, bitching, or straight sexual conversations sitting on the couch looking at one another. It'll be nice to actually have my friend there and in the flesh.




Cancer/Sickness/Whatever - I went in to talk to my regular Dr about it and the nurse asked what was wrong with my sinuses? She thought it was hilarious that they wrote I was in there for my sinuses. I'm down 36 lbs since the baby though, so that makes me happy. She did absolutely nothing, they scheduled me for a pre-op screening with a general surgeon for this morning at 8 am. Well I get a call from the hospital they're canceling my appointment and getting me in with a cardiology surgeon instead. Can we just get this thing started?

Past and Future - So ironically enough the person that started this descend away from Big. . .is back. The one person who was a good contender to keep me away, is still mia. Jon and I always continued to talk here and there, but the past 3 days it's been everyday, and pictures too like he used to. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, he knows about Big, and he knows I'm leaving.

On the other hand, I'm meeting a lot of people in Utah, and some I'm really starting to like. Seem like good people. I'm just really tired of being alone. Of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I miss companionship. I miss intimacy. I miss sex!!!!!! Like CRAZY! I'm just taking time to sort through it all, and I wish people understood that because hounding me is only pushing me away and pissing me off. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less, it doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, it means exactly what it says I mean. That I need time, and that I can't deal with your bullshit. To put it in crude terms. I'm being selfish right now, yes I know, but I have that right.

Book - I'm halfway through Chapter 2, or month 2 depending on how you look at it. I can't wait to get this story out there. It's one for the ages. Big and I...are an enigma. Those who have been there from day one still don't understand. He and I, don't even understand. We have been through so much. I simply can not wait to see his face.

( Guess that's that then )

Oh Mr. Big, I'll never be enough will I?



your sad eyes they dont keep me alive
not like they used to
not like they used to
and your cold feet they wont find their way to me
it's not like you want them to
it's not like you want them to
and your big heart, it won't tear me apart
not like it used to
not like it used to

its all about
it's all about
It's all about
it''s all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

your cold hands, are they gonna catch me if you can?
its not like you want them to
its not like you want them to
and your long legs, they could carry you to me
its not like you want them to
its not like you want th
its all about
its all about
its all about
its all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

It's all about you
It's all about you
It's always about you
It's always about you
Its all about
It's all about
What you wanted
am i what you wanted? (repeat 8x)
oh, my love

Every fiber of my being
I used to trust you
I wouldn't believe
If you told me the sky was blue

I give up separating my life
Share my friends, my enemies, share it all
I see the way you use me, discard me
Roll me through your fingers like a ball

I'm partly to blame
I let you do this time and again
I let you manipulate me
and pretend

You keep lying to me even now
I'll never speak to her again
I won't meet her
She's just a friend

Why do you have to be so invested in my life?
Especially when you don't want me in yours?
Three times the charm, right?
Christy, Lisa, Katie, any more?

I can't believe you'd do this yet again
Is this what Angie felt like, when I came along?
Slowly weening me out now?
For the next one that you'll do wrong.

I hate you so much
It kills me
I love you much more
So I still torture myself completely.

I always thought I passed up my one
Wasting too much time on Mr. Wrong
I thought all that disappeared
When you came along

Go ahead, flirt
Meet, I don't care anymore
I just want to get there
And start my life once more

Hope to god there's someone better
Than the one I'm leaving behind
Maybe my biggest mistake yet
Here's hoping the thought leaves my mind
-Tonya 10/01/08



There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

There is room beneath your bed for me.
There is room beneath your bed just for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.

There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to sleep underneath your bed.

Just to stay in the corner of you heart.

I don't know what's more upsetting about last night, the fact he wanted to go, and they talked about it. The fact I knew the moment he said I want a 3-way conversation that this is what would happen. Or the fact as my 'friend' she didn't think to tell me, or ask my opinion on them meeting, before I got to meet either of them!

It just gives me so many questions, how often do they talk then to want to meet so soon? Are they texting? Talking on the phone? Is he one of the ones to her that are the backburner? One of the ones she talks on the phone with, and flirts with, and uses to occupy the time the others are not there. The theory makes sense, keep as many in the picture so you don't have the time to fall in love and get hurt. I sometimes wish I'd have thought of it.

Confession time: I'm a hypocrite. I did what I've been so upset with him about. I omitted the fact that when he said he wouldn't talk to her until I said ok, and the he would drive straight through, I was relieved. I just told him I didn't want to be that person, and I don't. I want to be able to trust him, and say okay, so what if he meets her? Or meets her first. The second part of my confession is this. . .

I still think he'll stop, deep down, in the back of my mind. I think he'll stop. He has to stop in Cedar. He'll get gas or something there and text her or call her and say I'm here.

I hate this. I'm jealous, and insecure, and over-analyzing every little thing. The problem is when I had these thoughts in the back of my head, and thought they were just annoying, they all turned out to be true.

Wouldn't I be an idiot to not listen to them now?

I just don't get it. . . I'll never be enough will I?



I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe