Chris' accident: Chris was in an accident the other day (as you can tell from the previous post). He was getting off the highway and this chick was turning and so he started to go, she just stops for no reason so he taps her bumper. No damage to either vehicle. She turns it in to his insurance company anyway. Anything over 15 miles an hour Chris' airbags deploy, nothing. She's claiming damage to her car and medical. Yeah I'll give that cunt some medical damage if she wants. Bitch. If she knew that Chris' defends her freedom to try and scam people and act like a fucking idiot! Pisses me off.
Kitchen sink: The kitchen sink has some hella fucking clog, we've taken apart the pipes, snaked it, put in Thrift which is this acid shit, for the past 2 days. We've used every dirty dish, now we're down to paper plates and microwave dinners. Which in turn brings us to the:
Chemical burns: While Chris and I were using the Thrift it burned the shit out of him and I. I couldn't type or the past few days it burned the skin off the bottoms of my fingers, it obliterated the tops of my hands and my left arm. It got Chris on the arms and his face is just burned to all hell. We've called the landlord to get a plumber. Even Lorin...a plumber, electrician, and all around general contractor and appliance installer for the past I dunno 30-35 years has no idea what to do next. Chris is at a loss, another general contractor and appliance installer for the past 23 years. It fucking sucks I need my GOD DAMN KITCHEN!
Burns: I have now burned my finger, same finger, twice, separate occasions, top and then bottom. I swear to God Chris and I are effing cursed. It's probably that psycho wench Jen using VooDoo or something.
The kids: So Ethan tells my mom that we have to stay here forever and can't ever leave...as Chris is shuffling us out the fucking door so they can spend the night. STILL won't even broach the subject of getting a house for all of us. Won't even TALK about the idea of subletting this place. Pisses me off.
Big: Several unanswered Yahoo messages and a text message later finally told me 'fine, don't talk to me, have a nice life.' Here's all I have to say to you:

Chris said something last night that still has my mind running in circles. When I asked what he was processing had anything to do with us he said no that what he was dealing with was him and nothing that could be dealt with right away. So my mind automatically goes to, he wants us to move out. He's not serious about letting fate decide on a house. About calling on 2 and 4+ bedrooms and the first to say yes is where we'll go. So... I'm on the hunt today for 2 or 3 bedrooms for just my mom, Ryder and I. I think...if not for the kids...and how much I have fallen in love with them...that I might have already walked away. He's different, and we're different, and no amount of explaining that he's just got a lot going on, and a lot to think about, and that as long as I don't cheat he's not going anywhere will change the fact it's different. I was happy with Chris, and I have fallen in love with him, and there is nothing more that I want still than to marry him, but sometimes you just have to face the truth. No matter how much we don't want another failed relationship, no matter how much we don't want to hurt, sometimes love just isn't enough. I know...you all are thinking...see we told you. We told you it was going too fast, that you didn't know one another, and we don't blame you for walking away, or it not working. To that I say fuck you. I put up with so much shit, and put my neck on the line so many times, and forgave and forgot so much with Big for 10 months. And where did that get me? No where. He was in Idaho over the weekend, that's where it got me. Had we been together or not, had Chris not been in the picture, and it was just Big and I, I can guarantee he would have been there anyway. That's where the last 11 months got me. So I took a risk, a chance, to finally be happy, and have someone feel about me, the way I feel about them...maybe I was wrong again.
When we were at the base the other day with his friend Larry, he and I were talking. Chris doesn't know what about we kept shushing him away. He gave me the real friend speech, that I better not hurt him. That Chris thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, that he was skeptical at first, but seeing and talking to me he sees now why Chris did what he did to scoop me up. That was so nice to hear, Larry has no idea how nice that was to hear. On the way down Chris told me Lorin thinks I need to move out, his landlord Bob called and told Chris with all those people living there you're going to do right and take care of me, right? I'm sorry what?! This place is clean, the yard is kept up, the house is always decorated nicely for the holidays. The jeep is where no one can see it barely. I'm just...
His mom hugged me after Thanksgiving dinner, and thanked me for the best meal she's had in a while. I knew it would take a while for his family to warm up to me, so I'm glad it's getting there. I think Resa's good with us, his brothers and other sister...not so much. She was coridal if not fridged at Paul's Baptism. Paul's wife was nice, Paul said nothing...
I dunno...Beriet seems...indifferent. I thought her and I would have hit it off the easiest..Jocelyn is like my shadow. She has to always have her arms around me. Ethan...was the first to call me mom..to Melissa...she was not happy. Ethan seems to love my mom, he talks and talks and talks to her.
We're a family...and I love our family...I wish Axell was more involved in it. I know him changing his last name really hurt Chris, so I do get that things are going on...but they're just...different...and I hate it.

So Chris and I narrowed down that we're going to do the wedding thing right. Friends, family, the kids, whole nine.
I still think we need to use the Vegas time share and just shotgun it and be man and wife, because I can not wait to call that man my husband. Then we can plan the big one.
Just a small wedding him and I and Elvis, just us knowing we're married.
His 3rd ex-wife Melissa, thinks I'm cute, and is apparently jealous as hell that I'm younger than her, and much younger than Chris. She's even more bent about the fact Chris and I are going to have more children.
The house hunt is slow but steady, ever damn one I find is a fucking scam on craigslist. Freaking ridiculous.
Beriet is still on the hunt for a halloween costume, poor girl. They've been hunting for 4 days now at about 5 or 6 stores a night.
I can not WAIT to finally be there and be with my family.

It seems every time I come on here to update, something happens and it's just not worth typing a million times because the story is always different.

Ryder - He's gaining beautifully, up to almost 8 1/2 lbs as of last week. He tried to stand in the bathtub, it's his new game. Hold him in a squat and he'll push down and stand up. He just turned 6 weeks, he's already mastering crawling basics, rolling over like a pro, and now standing? What's next walking and talking by 2 months? We finally went and got the DNA testing done yesterday. Maybe now I can finally be divorced. Take David in and start getting the support I need. I'm almost 2 months behind getting it now. Which now come to find out won't be until the 14th of November that we go to court again! I am FURIOUS! That's 3 months tied up with this shit with Jason, 3 months I go without support, and god knows HOW long to establish David. The test was done at the Winnebago County Courthouse in Oshkosh, the depths of hell in the ghetto. The line was 40 people long I kid you not. this is just the beginning, the entrance that far door all the way to the back, the line the same behind me. This is coming out of the elevator:



Utah - It seems Big's company may want to keep in Vegas. And as they should, he's amazing at his job. It's nice to finally see him getting recognized for it. We decided to pass on Gemini Meadows last night, the guy was shady as hell. So now we're looking (just in case) at Southern View (There's a virtual tour at the bottom of the page)and there's quite a few available. Phew! I feel bad, he said something today, I'm not quite sure what it was, but I responded are you getting anxious you'll find a place, and he replied I have one but it won't accommodate you. I told him to take the place if he wanted, that it's not his responsibility to accommodate me. He said we'll just see what happens in the next coming days. Katie brought up a good point, I've helped him throughout this whole process and through a lot. It's his turn, lol. Although I know he has helped me WAY more than I have ever helped him, and more than he will ever know, I'm going to keep repeating this to myself. I have been a part of every single aspect of this whole thing. The phone calls, the terms, the emails, the letters, the interview in Vegas, the house. I want to be there to see this through. I want to be there to see him come home from work, work he's finally being appreciated for, with dinner on the table, and know that I helped him see this through from start to finish. Then I'll fling spaghetti at him until we're in an all out food fight lol. I hope Southern View works out, it's gorgeous, and I think we'd have so much fun living together. We're up all damn night anyway. It'll be nice to have our crazy, deep, funny, light-hearted, fighting, bitching, or straight sexual conversations sitting on the couch looking at one another. It'll be nice to actually have my friend there and in the flesh.




Cancer/Sickness/Whatever - I went in to talk to my regular Dr about it and the nurse asked what was wrong with my sinuses? She thought it was hilarious that they wrote I was in there for my sinuses. I'm down 36 lbs since the baby though, so that makes me happy. She did absolutely nothing, they scheduled me for a pre-op screening with a general surgeon for this morning at 8 am. Well I get a call from the hospital they're canceling my appointment and getting me in with a cardiology surgeon instead. Can we just get this thing started?

Past and Future - So ironically enough the person that started this descend away from Big. . .is back. The one person who was a good contender to keep me away, is still mia. Jon and I always continued to talk here and there, but the past 3 days it's been everyday, and pictures too like he used to. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, he knows about Big, and he knows I'm leaving.

On the other hand, I'm meeting a lot of people in Utah, and some I'm really starting to like. Seem like good people. I'm just really tired of being alone. Of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I miss companionship. I miss intimacy. I miss sex!!!!!! Like CRAZY! I'm just taking time to sort through it all, and I wish people understood that because hounding me is only pushing me away and pissing me off. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less, it doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, it means exactly what it says I mean. That I need time, and that I can't deal with your bullshit. To put it in crude terms. I'm being selfish right now, yes I know, but I have that right.

Book - I'm halfway through Chapter 2, or month 2 depending on how you look at it. I can't wait to get this story out there. It's one for the ages. Big and I...are an enigma. Those who have been there from day one still don't understand. He and I, don't even understand. We have been through so much. I simply can not wait to see his face.

( Guess that's that then )

Oh Mr. Big, I'll never be enough will I?



your sad eyes they dont keep me alive
not like they used to
not like they used to
and your cold feet they wont find their way to me
it's not like you want them to
it's not like you want them to
and your big heart, it won't tear me apart
not like it used to
not like it used to

its all about
it's all about
It's all about
it''s all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

your cold hands, are they gonna catch me if you can?
its not like you want them to
its not like you want them to
and your long legs, they could carry you to me
its not like you want them to
its not like you want th
its all about
its all about
its all about
its all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

It's all about you
It's all about you
It's always about you
It's always about you
Its all about
It's all about
What you wanted
am i what you wanted? (repeat 8x)
oh, my love

I smell retreat on the horizon. . . perhaps emotional detachment?

He's been short and distant, and I'm sure the move and leaving behind the kids is heart wrenching. . .

It's whatever at this point, I'm sick of this fucking game.

Want me or don't, stay or go, I spill out leaving the past behind and the only words spoken are apology accepted.

I'm thinking Vince had the right idea,live out my days raising his Alpacas.

Fuck this shit.