It seems every time I come on here to update, something happens and it's just not worth typing a million times because the story is always different.

Ryder - He's gaining beautifully, up to almost 8 1/2 lbs as of last week. He tried to stand in the bathtub, it's his new game. Hold him in a squat and he'll push down and stand up. He just turned 6 weeks, he's already mastering crawling basics, rolling over like a pro, and now standing? What's next walking and talking by 2 months? We finally went and got the DNA testing done yesterday. Maybe now I can finally be divorced. Take David in and start getting the support I need. I'm almost 2 months behind getting it now. Which now come to find out won't be until the 14th of November that we go to court again! I am FURIOUS! That's 3 months tied up with this shit with Jason, 3 months I go without support, and god knows HOW long to establish David. The test was done at the Winnebago County Courthouse in Oshkosh, the depths of hell in the ghetto. The line was 40 people long I kid you not. this is just the beginning, the entrance that far door all the way to the back, the line the same behind me. This is coming out of the elevator:



Utah - It seems Big's company may want to keep in Vegas. And as they should, he's amazing at his job. It's nice to finally see him getting recognized for it. We decided to pass on Gemini Meadows last night, the guy was shady as hell. So now we're looking (just in case) at Southern View (There's a virtual tour at the bottom of the page)and there's quite a few available. Phew! I feel bad, he said something today, I'm not quite sure what it was, but I responded are you getting anxious you'll find a place, and he replied I have one but it won't accommodate you. I told him to take the place if he wanted, that it's not his responsibility to accommodate me. He said we'll just see what happens in the next coming days. Katie brought up a good point, I've helped him throughout this whole process and through a lot. It's his turn, lol. Although I know he has helped me WAY more than I have ever helped him, and more than he will ever know, I'm going to keep repeating this to myself. I have been a part of every single aspect of this whole thing. The phone calls, the terms, the emails, the letters, the interview in Vegas, the house. I want to be there to see this through. I want to be there to see him come home from work, work he's finally being appreciated for, with dinner on the table, and know that I helped him see this through from start to finish. Then I'll fling spaghetti at him until we're in an all out food fight lol. I hope Southern View works out, it's gorgeous, and I think we'd have so much fun living together. We're up all damn night anyway. It'll be nice to have our crazy, deep, funny, light-hearted, fighting, bitching, or straight sexual conversations sitting on the couch looking at one another. It'll be nice to actually have my friend there and in the flesh.




Cancer/Sickness/Whatever - I went in to talk to my regular Dr about it and the nurse asked what was wrong with my sinuses? She thought it was hilarious that they wrote I was in there for my sinuses. I'm down 36 lbs since the baby though, so that makes me happy. She did absolutely nothing, they scheduled me for a pre-op screening with a general surgeon for this morning at 8 am. Well I get a call from the hospital they're canceling my appointment and getting me in with a cardiology surgeon instead. Can we just get this thing started?

Past and Future - So ironically enough the person that started this descend away from Big. . .is back. The one person who was a good contender to keep me away, is still mia. Jon and I always continued to talk here and there, but the past 3 days it's been everyday, and pictures too like he used to. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, he knows about Big, and he knows I'm leaving.

On the other hand, I'm meeting a lot of people in Utah, and some I'm really starting to like. Seem like good people. I'm just really tired of being alone. Of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I miss companionship. I miss intimacy. I miss sex!!!!!! Like CRAZY! I'm just taking time to sort through it all, and I wish people understood that because hounding me is only pushing me away and pissing me off. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less, it doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, it means exactly what it says I mean. That I need time, and that I can't deal with your bullshit. To put it in crude terms. I'm being selfish right now, yes I know, but I have that right.

Book - I'm halfway through Chapter 2, or month 2 depending on how you look at it. I can't wait to get this story out there. It's one for the ages. Big and I...are an enigma. Those who have been there from day one still don't understand. He and I, don't even understand. We have been through so much. I simply can not wait to see his face.

( Guess that's that then )

Oh Mr. Big, I'll never be enough will I?



your sad eyes they dont keep me alive
not like they used to
not like they used to
and your cold feet they wont find their way to me
it's not like you want them to
it's not like you want them to
and your big heart, it won't tear me apart
not like it used to
not like it used to

its all about
it's all about
It's all about
it''s all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

your cold hands, are they gonna catch me if you can?
its not like you want them to
its not like you want them to
and your long legs, they could carry you to me
its not like you want them to
its not like you want th
its all about
its all about
its all about
its all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

It's all about you
It's all about you
It's always about you
It's always about you
Its all about
It's all about
What you wanted
am i what you wanted? (repeat 8x)
oh, my love

Every fiber of my being
I used to trust you
I wouldn't believe
If you told me the sky was blue

I give up separating my life
Share my friends, my enemies, share it all
I see the way you use me, discard me
Roll me through your fingers like a ball

I'm partly to blame
I let you do this time and again
I let you manipulate me
and pretend

You keep lying to me even now
I'll never speak to her again
I won't meet her
She's just a friend

Why do you have to be so invested in my life?
Especially when you don't want me in yours?
Three times the charm, right?
Christy, Lisa, Katie, any more?

I can't believe you'd do this yet again
Is this what Angie felt like, when I came along?
Slowly weening me out now?
For the next one that you'll do wrong.

I hate you so much
It kills me
I love you much more
So I still torture myself completely.

I always thought I passed up my one
Wasting too much time on Mr. Wrong
I thought all that disappeared
When you came along

Go ahead, flirt
Meet, I don't care anymore
I just want to get there
And start my life once more

Hope to god there's someone better
Than the one I'm leaving behind
Maybe my biggest mistake yet
Here's hoping the thought leaves my mind
-Tonya 10/01/08



There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

There is room beneath your bed for me.
There is room beneath your bed just for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.

There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to sleep underneath your bed.

Just to stay in the corner of you heart.