From: Tonya
Subject: Us
To: Chris
Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 7:31 PM


I was under the impression with what little time we had together that you
wouldn't want to spend it cleaning or doing laundry. Or that just sitting
down to a meal together since you have to be to bed so early would be better
than you having to cook when you got home. I'm sorry for trying to make it
easier on you while you're working your ass off at peak.
I am upset that you didn't tell me about something that upset you that
much. Instead you let me walk around the past 3 days thinking that you wanted me
out for the sake of just having me out. That we were different, that the reason
you walked right past me upstairs every night and didn't kiss me, or hug me,
and that you don't call me during the day anymore was because we were losing
what we had. That somehow we were already drifting apart. You let in these snide
comments to get me to do what you couldn't ask. You said nothing that can be
done now, and jumped at the opportunity to buy fucking furniture so I would just
say okay I'm moving out.
I would have told you to reserve TLF on the base, and taken Leah and the dogs
with me on the kids weekends. As it stands that's the preferred but I'll
find a hotel willing to take pets for the weekend instead if I have to. Tomorrow
my mom and I and Ryder will not be home when you get back with the kids. The
dogs won't need to go out or be taken care of and we'll be back at the
house about 8:30. And that is how it will remain on Wednesdays and Fridays until
the 27th which is the first weekend we can pay for the hotel. The rest of the
money will be put away so we can move out as soon as possible.
The 13th and 14th is up to you. I will ask Stephanie for some money for a
hotel, go to Cedar for the weekend or my mom and I will find something to do all
day. We'll go to the library or something. I'll run home to take care of
the dogs and leave again.
If the kids want to see Ryder that's fine, I'll bring him with to let
the dogs out.
As far as you and I that is also up to you. I will not be spoken down to
because I get upset, especially when I have every right to. I won't be told
because I get upset that you won't and shouldn't have had conversations
with me that I have every right to know about. Especially when they concern me.
I can venture a guess that the argument with Melissa last night was not solely
about the military?
Until you decide if this is still something you can handle I will stay in
Jocelyn's room. And no this is NOT what I want. What I want is to go back to
the way things were, where all we did was tell each other everything. And all we
did was talk. I love you and nothing will ever change that.

---

From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 9:10:00 AM
Subject: Re: Us


I have never once said that what you do isn't appreciated, because it is. Yes it frees up some time, but it is also something that we can do together. Before we even got together I told you I loved to cook and had been doing my own laundry, and for the most part my apt was clean. It was something I have always done and I enjoyed it. I don't mind that you do it, however every once in a while I would have liked to cook, clean or do my own laundry. That is part of who I am. Just as much as I have to get used to who you are, you have to get used to who I am. I have tried to make it a point to not ask you to change, and I have I am sorry. I fell in love with who you are and I see no reason to change that.

When I get tired no matter what is going on in my life, I tend to withdraw from everyone. Once again that is me. I used to call during the day when I was driving in between jobs, and for the last three days I have been on the computer at Lorin's so I was never driving in between jobs to call.

I did not jump at the opportunity to buy you furniture. It was something that I was willing to do to be helpful. If you moving out was so easy for me, I would have just told you that you needed to move, so that my kids would be happy, but I had not and was trying to figure out how to fix it.

You and you mom do not need to be gone on Wednesdays and Fridays unless that is what you want to do. We will discuss the weekends when they get here, it will be a decision between the two of us.

As for Melissa she could care less about what I am doing, and our argument was solely about me deploying again, and she was worried that I would volunteer to go. It would be too hard on my kids right now. They just got me back, and I will not volunteer for any assignments that would take me away from them.

I do not intentionally talk down to you. I hate with a passion any type of argument, fight or confrontation. I don't think we should be having them. That may be stupid on my part, but it is my opinion.

If I wanted you out of my life then I would have said so. You have made it very clear that Ron will run and pick you up. If we were to break up. I have never even brought up the subject, nor do I intend to do so. If we are going to fail as a couple it will be on both of us, not on one or the other of us. Because one of us decided it would be easier to run away. At least that is my opinion.

I love you and I always will. Where you choose to sleep and how you choose to react is up to you, I have no intention of fighting/arguing/having a tiff with you. I think enough damage was done last night to our relationship and it cant handle much more.

You said that I had no right to decide how you were going to react to the situation. But you have told me on my occasions that I would have to deal with you mad if we were not together, and that hurts me when you are mad or sad. Just like I will have to learn to deal with you mad, you will need to learn to deal with me when I withdraw, and I would like you to understand that 99% of the time it will have nothing to do with you. It is me. I have good days and bad days. The bad days I tend to withdraw.

I love you

---

From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 11:02:29 AM
Subject: Re: Us

I know it's appreciated, you tell me that all the time. I never said you didn't appreciate it. If that's the way it came across I apologize. We had many a play arguments about the kitchen before I got here too, and like I told you last night, if you want to cook, clean, and do laundry that's fine. I really don't care. When my mom goes back to work on the 15th I will need your help, she does the laundry, I try and keep upstairs clean. So with Ryder in mommy mode all the time I will need help. It would have been a household effort. I will separate my clothes from yours today that are left in the 2 baskets, and the rest is yours to do. Same with the ones already done, I will put away mine, and you can take care of yours.
The phone calls, or lack there of started long before you working on Lorin's books. If you say that is just you, I'll deal with it.
Like I told you last night until such a time as you come up with a better idea as to how to fix it, this is how it will be, and when that time comes I am open to suggestions.
I do think we should be having disagreements, if we didn't, one of us is lying. People will disagree, it's a part of life. Do I like them? No. Do I think for a while there they were happening all too frequently? Yes.
However I'm stuck here, if we don't work I have no place to go, and I feel stuck. I have no friends here, I don't know where the hell I am half the time. Or where to even look for an apartment, and I'm having this odd sense of deja vu. The arguments you and I are having are some of the same Ron and I had, and it makes me feel like shit. He'd just as soon lie to me or 'retreat' then tell me what was really going on, and in turn when it did come out, I got mad at not what was said or done but the fact I was not told. Especially when it had to do with me. Which is exactly what happened last night. I know you don't want to be compared to Ron, and I'm comparing arguments, not you two per se. That makes me feel like shit, like I'm unapproachable, that I can't be trusted with the truth.
Ron knew how upset I was last night and that is why he offered to come get me. Irregardless of what has happened romantically with us he is my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself because he has been there through the hardest times in my life. He was there when it was good with David, he was there when I found out all the lies and deception, and that he was certifiably insane. He was the phone call when David was running around the bedroom chasing ghosts. When I kicked him out the 2nd time and he went to the homeless shelter. He was there when Christy betrayed me with his darkest secret and used it to try and get him back in jail, and for me to lose custody. She made our lives a living hell. He was there right after when because I found mold in my apartment my landlord evicted me. He was there through my entire pregnancy, all the emergency room visits, and the complications. He was there on the phone for every appointment and ultrasound. He was the 2 am phone calls when I had to live in a hotel 8 months pregnant with my mom and the dogs and Leah for 2 weeks, when I thought for a while I was going to be living in my jeep, until Angela said here's the money for another week. He was the phone call when the house that was supposed to make it all better was infested with bats, and a heater that didn't work, and electricity that shorted out when you plugged something in. He was there when every step I took was the wrong one. I would not have made it through without him. Yes, he hurt me time and again. He lied to me all the time about Idaho, and Taunya, and the neighbor girl. But I can not forget how he always picked me up, and glued my pieces back together, and fought for me when I hung up on him, and kept calling, and texting, and messaging me, until I answered again. He showed me that I am worth fighting for, that because I made the msitake with Jason of getting married too young, and that I made the even bigger mistake of ever getting involved with David that I was worth fighting for. He made me see that irregardless of the shit David put me through it was all worth it when Ryder smiles, when he looks at me, when he takes every breath, it was all worth it. Which if things ever get as bad as they were during that time, I will be for you, and you will hopefully be for me. His point last night was that if you are not willing to stand up for me then why should I stay? Part of me agrees with that, I don't ever see you standing up to Melissa. Now or in the future. This co-parenting united front that you have to stand by, was a decision she reigned down. I remember the phone call outside and the subsequent conversation we had, and the fact you had no say in it. That is not co-parenting that is Melissa doing what she wants, when she wants, while she can. She pulled the law strings, which I completely understand contrary to what you might think. My point last night which I think you didn't get is, in my own apartment there is no difference between my mom and I in one location and the kids going upstairs to sleep, and my mom and I in one location and the kids going down the street to sleep. What I don't get is, if it's against the law period, it should be enough to get you out of a lease. Without feeling bad about it. If you went to Bob and said look my ex-wife is being an ex-wife and she's doing x, y, and z about my kids being in a 2 bedroom, if it's the law then what human being a parent especially would not understand that? If he wants the money to break it, fine we'll pay it in payments. But quite honestly I don't think you do want to continue to live together anymore, that's my opinion. Which is fine. If that is how you feel, then what can I do?
I want to marry you more than anything but I will not do so living under separate roofs. That is not a marriage. Yes it was our original agreement I would have a place of my own before I got here, but just like things changed for you, they changed for me. I think we're taking two steps backwards, and yes that scares the piss out of me. We're not doing so hot on this level, so let's go backwards? It doesn't make sense to me.
You said last night that sometimes you think we should, that we should just date for a while and try to get to know one another. If that was the case I should have gone to Cedar as originally planned. We could have dated, seen what it was like to be together, none of the issues with the kids would be going on now, and neither of us would be in the financial state we're in. But I didn't, and we both knew it would be rough, but it was a decision we made that we are for all intents and purposes man and wife, a united front, and that we would weather this road together no matter what it presented. That is not happening now. So maybe I should go to Cedar as originally planned as opposed to finding an apartment here. That was the first and original agreement. So if we want to talk about sticking to our words, that was the first and for a while only plan. I can come up and stay at a hotel with Ryder on some of the kids weekends so they can see him, and I can see them. That way everyone is still a part of everyone's lives, the kids can swim if they want, and they can still go home with you to sleep.
Me telling you that you will have to deal with me being upset is no different than you telling me that you retreating is something I will have to deal with. We can't choose how each other will react to things, we only choose our subsequent reactions. I get automatically thrown back into that whole mess that Ron sometimes created or most times helped me through when we have an argument where you kept inside something that is a direct relation to me. I don't think Ethan is upset solely at the fact I am here, or that he can't spend the night. However that portion of why he is upset is a direct result of Melissa's actions, and in turn I will do what I have to do to protect him and make it easier on him while she's running around like a child stomping her feet.
If she put in half as much effort in those kids as she does being bitter, they all would be happier in that home. I'm sorry I'm freshly 26, with a baby, and able to have more children if I wanted, but that is not my fault, and mostly it is NOT Ethan and Jocelyn's fault which is who she is hurting the most, and who she is taking it out on. That is why I don't see this as I have a choice, I am trying to damage control. And in a pseudo-professional opinion, she is damaging those kids. The way she acts and the way she carries on, and the way she ignores them half the time, and talks to them is awful. For instance, the smoking when she came to pick them up. She told Ethan to deal with it, she's a smoker. That is not a healthy way to speak to a 6-year old. Or anyone for that matter. They pick up on her hostility towards me as well, they're very intelligent children. I see the way Jocelyn reads body language, she exudes body language all the time. She's a vocal and movement observer, that's why she's more outgoing and sings and dances, because those are the traits she picks up on. What people say, and how they say it, and the things their body says when their mouths are closed. Ethan is a visual observer, he watches, everything. He's an explorer, he wants to know everything all the time, what it is, how it works, how it's made, it's reactions to other environmental factors. Jocelyn is a nurturer, and Ethan is a fixer. These are things I could have told you from my education that might have been able to help you get into their heads on their level and understand. I have tools at my disposal that would have helped you in getting onto Ethan's level. That is why I was upset you didn't talk to me.
You can't tell me all the way here, and the weeks prior that these are 'our' children and exclude me when one comes to you and is hurting. They can't be 'our' children when you need time to do school work, or you want the idea of a family unit, and your children and your problem when life gets tough.
I love you and I want this to work, but you have to learn to trust me and let me in. Yes, I didn't tell you I had an issue, because I was waiting for the right time to talk to you, but I didn't ignore you. I wasn't short with you, and I didn't intentionally or otherwise make you think it was you that was the issue.
I'm sorry that you misread the kids, but I'm sure it's happened before, and I guarantee it will happen again. Which is why if you have some time where it's just you, then you can maybe talk to Ethan, and get to the bottom of this issue if not others. That is why I won't be here when you get back with them. Yes they will wonder the first few minutes, why we're not here, but they will enjoy too that they have you to themselves again. Just as they did before.

---

From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 5:17:50 PM
Subject: Re: Us

I did not realize I had stopped calling. I didn't say we would not have any arguments. I just think it is too soon into our relationship to be having them. We should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. that is just my opinion. Your relationship with Ron is your business, I will do my best to stay out of it. I have set my terms and have accepted yours. I am sorry for everything you went through. What is against the law is the amount of people in this two bedroom apartment. The state of Utah has some very funky laws when it comes to people who are not married to each other or otherwise not related. I stand up to Melissa more that you know. If I didn't the kids would not be here at all. I try to handle my business with Melissa myself, because I know how much it bothers you.

If you feel it is better for you to move to Ceder City, then I will support that decision. I don't like it, I hate it, but I will support it.
As for where to live, I am sorry that I have let you down, if you would like tomorrow evening, when I get back from the base, we can sit down and look at places and I will show you on the map I will get where they are and how to get around.

I do love you, more than you realize. I still want to marry you. I am scared of having another bad marriage and I will not say I do until we know for sure that we can handle all the issues that come with the baggage that each one of has. Yes I have slowed things down because I am scared and some of the things that we have tiffs about and how much we seem to disagree over stupid shit. That does not change my feelings for you. I just know that before we can become husband and wife, there are areas that we need to improve in.

I love you

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From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Saturday, December 6, 2008 6:13:16 AM
Subject: Re: Us

How are we supposed to know how to handle everything that comes our way if you handle 'your' business and don't include me?

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From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Saturday, December 6, 2008 7:38:59 PM
Subject: Re: Us

There will always be things that I feel that I need to handle, and I am sure there will always be things in your life that you feel you need to handle. This may or may not be the best way to handle things but at this time it is what I feel that I need to do. It has nothing to do with you it has to do with me. Sometimes it is easier on me just to handle my emotions internally, it prevents me from saying things in the heat of the moment which can be mis-interpreted.

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From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Sunday, December 7, 2008 2:47:44 PM
Subject: Re: Us

I can live with that. I'm going to make mention of this one last time and never bring it up again. I've talked to all who know me best and they're all drawing the same conclusion it seems. A.They agree with me about the whole if life was fair we would just find the 4 bedroom and tell Melissa to deal with it and B. That it seems maybe we shouldn't be together. Katie thinks why are we still together if we keep fighting. Ron thinks it just sounds like you don't want to be with me, and he amended that to maybe you're just dealing with it all the best way you know how. Lisa thinks you do want to be with me, but you're not sure it will work, so you're pushing me away.
I keep going back to that night on the base with Larry. How he was the only one to pull me aside and really talk to me about you. I still won't tell you what was said, aside from what you already know. We know how far beyond three sheets to the wind he was, so we all know it was the God's honest truth. Realistically, I think sober he would have said the same thing, because he loves you, and cares a great deal about you. He told me you thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and how much you really did love me. How skeptical he was until he had a chance to see me, and talk to me, and how he saw what you saw in me.
I'm scared Chris. Some of the things you said last night scared the hell out of me, and made it seem like maybe everyone was right, and maybe Larry just caught you at the honeymoon phase of what you thought I was.
We don't get a honeymoon phase, baby. We don't. We have messy pasts, and a small village of children between us, and their respective parents to deal with. Our honeymoon phase ended when we got in the Jeep. We were driving right towards real life. With ex's who cause issues, and kids who have needs, that supersede anything we want. We're going to fight and disagree because we are both passionate, headstrong, stubborn as ox people. And we knew that going in, we're going to butt heads on a lot of things. We knew that when we asked about politics.
I could care less how many times we agree to disagree as long as we agree on the important stuff. I love you Chris, and if you don't see this working, don't be afraid to be honest with me. But I gotta tell you, the thought, of not waking up to you. Of not seeing you, and holding you, and kissing you, and touching you, and my God the idea of not seeing Beriet, or Ethan, or Jocelyn insisting she walks with her arms around me everywhere, or of Ryder not getting to be their little brother, or your son, of them not being my kids, Axell included, just kills me. It kills me. Save all that, all I want you to do is be happy. With or without me.


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From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Sunday, December 7, 2008 8:12:55 PM
Subject: Re: Us

If I did not want to see if we could make it, I would have said so by now. I have been through too much in my life to be unhappy just to make someone else happy. If I thought I would be happier without you I would say so. You can tell Ron that unlike him, I am not afraid to tell you the truth, if I wanted you out of my life I would say so. I don't. I am not willing to give up on us unless you want out. I told you the other day if you told me you wanted to be with Ron, I would hate but accept it. The reason is I do love you and want you to be as happy as is possible, even if it is with someone else. I fell in love wiht you and that is not going to change. I will always be ther for you no matter what our outcome is. And no I am not assuming anything on where it will go. I don't know, I know where I want it to go. All I can do is try. I love you and always will!

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From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Sunday, December 7, 2008 8:37:59 PM
Subject: Re: Us

I love you so very much.

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From: Christopher
To: Tonya
Sent: Monday, December 8, 2008 8:17:48 AM
Subject: Re: Us

And I love you