Chris said something last night that still has my mind running in circles. When I asked what he was processing had anything to do with us he said no that what he was dealing with was him and nothing that could be dealt with right away. So my mind automatically goes to, he wants us to move out. He's not serious about letting fate decide on a house. About calling on 2 and 4+ bedrooms and the first to say yes is where we'll go. So... I'm on the hunt today for 2 or 3 bedrooms for just my mom, Ryder and I. I think...if not for the kids...and how much I have fallen in love with them...that I might have already walked away. He's different, and we're different, and no amount of explaining that he's just got a lot going on, and a lot to think about, and that as long as I don't cheat he's not going anywhere will change the fact it's different. I was happy with Chris, and I have fallen in love with him, and there is nothing more that I want still than to marry him, but sometimes you just have to face the truth. No matter how much we don't want another failed relationship, no matter how much we don't want to hurt, sometimes love just isn't enough. I know...you all are thinking...see we told you. We told you it was going too fast, that you didn't know one another, and we don't blame you for walking away, or it not working. To that I say fuck you. I put up with so much shit, and put my neck on the line so many times, and forgave and forgot so much with Big for 10 months. And where did that get me? No where. He was in Idaho over the weekend, that's where it got me. Had we been together or not, had Chris not been in the picture, and it was just Big and I, I can guarantee he would have been there anyway. That's where the last 11 months got me. So I took a risk, a chance, to finally be happy, and have someone feel about me, the way I feel about them...maybe I was wrong again.
When we were at the base the other day with his friend Larry, he and I were talking. Chris doesn't know what about we kept shushing him away. He gave me the real friend speech, that I better not hurt him. That Chris thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, that he was skeptical at first, but seeing and talking to me he sees now why Chris did what he did to scoop me up. That was so nice to hear, Larry has no idea how nice that was to hear. On the way down Chris told me Lorin thinks I need to move out, his landlord Bob called and told Chris with all those people living there you're going to do right and take care of me, right? I'm sorry what?! This place is clean, the yard is kept up, the house is always decorated nicely for the holidays. The jeep is where no one can see it barely. I'm just...
His mom hugged me after Thanksgiving dinner, and thanked me for the best meal she's had in a while. I knew it would take a while for his family to warm up to me, so I'm glad it's getting there. I think Resa's good with us, his brothers and other sister...not so much. She was coridal if not fridged at Paul's Baptism. Paul's wife was nice, Paul said nothing...
I dunno...Beriet seems...indifferent. I thought her and I would have hit it off the easiest..Jocelyn is like my shadow. She has to always have her arms around me. Ethan...was the first to call me mom..to Melissa...she was not happy. Ethan seems to love my mom, he talks and talks and talks to her.
We're a family...and I love our family...I wish Axell was more involved in it. I know him changing his last name really hurt Chris, so I do get that things are going on...but they're just...different...and I hate it.

I have never been more confused in my life. I don't sleep, I don't eat, I pace from the kitchen to my bed, from the bathroom to my bed, from the living room chair to my bed. I can't seem to get a grasp on anything. I can't seem to make sense of the smallest things anymore. I know with everything inside me, Cedar is where I want to be. I just, don't know if I can take the heartache in person. I don't know that I can walk around the corner and see him with her. I could tell him a thousand times to just turn around and walk away if he sees me on the street, but I know he won't, and I know I won't want him to. He keeps saying he thought it was done with her, I'm hearing they're not together, that she doesn't put forth an effort, that she's 8 hours away now, she'll be 6 hours when he moves. I heard, what I have been waiting 10 months to hear, what he's been denying all this time, and then he took it away. Why should I be surprised, he always takes it away. I wonder if he'll ever know I bought the plane ticket, but not from Vegas, but to Vegas, I got all the way to the confirmation screen, and then there it was. Him saying yet again, I thought it was done with her, and I backed out. I saw how this would play out, I'd be sitting the airport with Ryder, texting whatcha doin? like we always do, and he won't respond. I'll be sitting there waiting to answer when asks back, waiting for you in the airport, and that message won't ever come because he's with her. I'll have flown us all the way out there, to sit in the Vegas airport all weekend. Just to show the kind of effort I want to put in. Fly out there 3 weeks before I move out there, just so he knew I was serious. But I didn't get to do that, I never get to show my effort with him. The effort I have put in, goes unnoticed. All because of that stupid letter. A moment of insecurity started this whole thing in motion. I told him, I told him what would happen if he read it, and he lied. He told me no I wouldn't lose him, no it would be okay, nothing would change. Everything changed. Everything. I hate the person he's made me. I hate the person loving him has made me. I hate that he knows he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to me, and I'll still be lagging like a lost puppy. Just staring at him, following him, with eyes that say love me, please just love me. I told him last night that if he thought things were done, he needed to keep them done, or he shouldn't have said anything about giving us a chance. I know why he said it, because he can't be alone. He thought she left him, and knew I'd be there. I know that, I do. I just thought, if he would at least try, we could find together who we used to be. Cause we were good. We were really good. We laughed all the time, we never ran out of things to say, we bickered and fought and made up 20 times a day, we'd stay up way too late, and drag ass in the morning. I'd ignore him to clear my head, and he'd text and call and IM until I finally caved and talked to him. He used to fight for me, I'm the only one left fighting for someone now. When I should be fighting for myself, I'm still here fighting for him. We'd text each other that we were up, we'd never go a night without saying sleep well, unless he passed out on me, and he'd text it anyway with an apology when he woke up a half hour later. We were the last text at night, and the first in the morning. We'd sit and bullshit all day while he was at work. We'd do what we needed to do and start all over again at 9 at night. It was like clockwork for a while, a habit. . . and I just thought, if I was there, every day, and able to see him, and touch him, and finally be in each others company, we could find those people again. They were really good people. They really cared about each other. They were above all else, best friends.

I have no place to land in Utah, there's a house in Wausau.
I have no one in Utah anymore, there's friends in Wausau.
There's no job and no money in Utah, there's a transfer and my old job in Wausau.
There's no him in Wausau. I want my best friend back. I miss him every day.




Baby Baby
When we first met, I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya (to ya)
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya (do ya)?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you are the one to blame
And now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept
You'd do anything for the one you love
Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there
Its like you were my favorite drug
The only problem was that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know that it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya (to ya)
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you are the one to blame
Cause now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Oh - Oh
Now ladies gimme that..
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Ouh Oh
Now gimme that
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Ouh Oh
Now ladies gimme that..
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Ouh Oh
Now gimme that
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Ouh Oh

Oh

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

( Guess that's that then )

Oh Mr. Big, I'll never be enough will I?



your sad eyes they dont keep me alive
not like they used to
not like they used to
and your cold feet they wont find their way to me
it's not like you want them to
it's not like you want them to
and your big heart, it won't tear me apart
not like it used to
not like it used to

its all about
it's all about
It's all about
it''s all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

your cold hands, are they gonna catch me if you can?
its not like you want them to
its not like you want them to
and your long legs, they could carry you to me
its not like you want them to
its not like you want th
its all about
its all about
its all about
its all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?

It's all about you
It's all about you
It's always about you
It's always about you
Its all about
It's all about
What you wanted
am i what you wanted? (repeat 8x)
oh, my love