what are your middles name?
♥ James and Leigh

how long did you know each other before you started dating?
♥ 3 weeks for the official date, 3 days before we knew we were meant for each other

Who asked who out?
♥ No one really but he made the first move towards commitment

Who said I love you first?
♥ I made him lol

How old are each of you?
♥ Chris 39, I'm 26

Who's siblings do/did you see the most?
♥ I've seen Resa, Paul, and Amy once. He's seen Stephanie like 3 times lol. Since his are not 1500 miles away I'm sure those numbers will change soon lol.


Do you have any children together?
♥ Together we have 5 kids.
With one another we have none, yet, hopefully lol maybe

What about pets?
♥ He's stolen my cat Leah, and I have my 2 Golden Retrievers


Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
♥ All the ones thrown at us lately


Did you go to the same school?
♥ Not even close lol, not only was I perpetually 1500+ miles away, but when Chris graduated high school I was in preschool lol.



Are you from the same hometown?
♥ Nope he's from here and I'm from New York

Who is the smartest?
♥ Him by far

Who is the most sensitive?
♥ Me all the way

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
♥ We always try to go somewhere different


Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
♥ From Wisconsin to Utah lol

Who has the craziest exes?
♥ Oh we are SO even on that one, but his we have to deal with all the time, mine are LONG gone thank God.


Who has the worst temper?
♥ Oh they're equally matched and bad, but he can control his

who does the most cooking?
♥ Me, much to his dislike, but he just doesn't have the time anymore


who is more social?
♥ Equal

who's the bigger neat freak?
♥ Him

who's more stubborn?
♥ Oh we both are stubborn as all hell, but he'll say it's him lol


who hogs the bed?
♥ Me

who gets up earlier?
♥ Him


where was your first date?
♥ We ate at Blimpie on the way back to Wisconsin, but our first "date" was to Wyoming I think

who has the bigger family?
♥ He does

who do you spend the holidays with?
♥ His

who's more jealous?
♥ We're kinda equally jealous, but we're both really not

how long did it take you to get serious?
♥ 3 days lol

who's the better singer?
♥ I think we're both pretty damn good, and we harmonize well lol


who does the laundry?
♥ Him, he insisted


who's better with computers?
♥ Me

who drives when you are together?
♥ Mostly him

who picks dinner when you go out?
♥ We're even

who admits they are wrong first?
♥ Him

who named your pet?
♥ I did, I had them before we met

who wears the pants?
♥ We each have our own "pants" with different things ( I second this Melinda) (I do too Nikki)

who has more tattoos?
♥ Him, he has 1 more than me

who eats more sweets?
♥ Me, he eats out more though lol


How did you meet your recent significant other? Answer all the questions HONESTLY and repost as "How I met _____"

ღ Where did you meet?
Funny story that one...we met on Speeddate on Facebook, he winked at me. We were looking for people to just hang out with because we were both recently burned very bad and hated the idea of taking the leap again. He still has the text message saying 'If I even smell commitment' lol.

Oops! haha

ღ What was the first thought that went through your head when you met?
I didn't have time to finish my thought he grabbed me and kissed me, my thought was, he's beautiful though.



ღ Do you remember what he/she was wearing.


Black Levi's, white long sleeve button down, the outfit he was wearing in Qatar that I said he looked so sexy in, and my God he looked sexy in it.



ღ Where was the first place you hung out?
Blimpie on the way back from the Chicago O'Hare airport.



ღ How long before the 1st kiss?
3 weeks since we started talking, 5 seconds since we were in the same space with one another.



ღ How long did you know this person before you became a couple?
3 days lol.



ღ How did he/she ask you to be his gf/bf?
I said ditto on the phone...I didn't think anything of it. It just came out...and he made the connection with Ghost, we danced around it the next day, it was a really cute conversation because we were on the phone too and on Facebook messenger, and yahoo messenger lol. I danced, he had the balls and came out and say it. The rest as they say is history.



ღ Has this person ever proposed to you?
Yes.



ღ Do you have kids with this person?
Together we have kids, but not with, yet, maybe.



ღ Have you ever broken the law with this person?
No...maybe. Yes, probably. Nothing bad, speeding or something stupid like that...probably public indecency here and there. We tend to make people sick with our kissing all the time lol.



ღ When was the first time you realized that you liked this person?
The first time I saw that wink, I just....got butterflies. I checked that speeddate thing 50 times a day to see if he got back to me. He was the one I was always waiting for and hoping to hear more from.



ღ Do you get along with his/her family?
Sure do. I love the kids with every fiber of my being, his mom, sister Resa, her daughters, and Stan were here for Thanksgiving and all went great.



ღ Do you trust this person?
With Ryder's life.



ღ Do you see her/him as your partner in your future?
He will be my only partner for the rest of my life.



ღ What is the best gift she/he gave you?
Materialistically, my ring. The greatest gift of all, himself.



ღ What is one thing he/she does that gets on your nerves?
He always blames himself for everything gone wrong in my life, and always has a damn reason why it is that trumps my reason it's not. Punk. I WILL find a reason that proves it's not Mr.!



ღ Where do you see you two in 15 years from now?
15 years from now, I'll be 41, Chris will be 54. We'll have Axell at 36, with a kid or two I'm sure, a little calmer in life, happy. Beriet will be 31, happily married, may or may not have a grandchild or her at that point, she'll be some amazing career woman conquering the world. Jocleyn will be 25, probably head over heels in love, planning a wedding and babies. Ethan will be 21, partying it up, being the stud he is, living life to the fullest. Ryder will be almost 15 1/2, and giving Chris and I hell. He'll be in every sport, attend every after school function, and keep us on our toes. We may have a 11 or 12 year old in there too, but in all the chaos that will be our life in 15 years from now, we will have one another, we will have our crazy beautiful family, and we'll make it through whatever our tribe may put us through between then and now together.



ღ What causes the most arguments?
Miscommunication, and the world in my opinion, seemingly trying to divide us, and test us, and generally just giving us hell.



ღ How long have you been together?
3 1/2 months

These are the comments from the blog I posted about the Big fight on my MySpace...

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~Katie~

hey hey now people! why am i always brought into your fights? I DID NOT say you dont care about others!!!!!!! thats a bunch of bs! the only thing i have said was what we talked about the other day! which you and i know what it was! and i still feel that way but that doesnt mean i dont still love you and want the best for you! I hope ur life starts looking upward mama! LUVS

Posted by ~Katie~ on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 11:14 AM
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.:♥{Sittin☆Pretti}♥:.

Well i have been here with you through a lot of this shit. And all i can say is that you need to get rid of ALL the trash that is around you. He said she said bullshit is just down right fuckin stupid. Don't know who to trust and just don't fuckin care. You know who your true friends are. And they are the ones that will stick with you no matter what. You need something and they will try their best to help. You got something going on and are pissed off at it. They will be right next to your side just as pissed and finding ways to help. Regardless if you are right or wrong. Because that is a true friend. And damn it women. You know i got your back. :o)So fuck the haters and just be you.


Posted by .:♥{Sittin☆Pretti}♥:. on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 2:12 PM
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ღStricklandღ

Irregardless of what was said, it would seem that the only time discussion happens is when I'm involved. I specifically told him, I didn't need him running around to text anyone about my problems and it would seem even after he agreed not to, he did anyway. All the more reason to cut him out of my life, I don't need a 15 year old running around to tell the school my problems. They're no one's business but my own, and if I choose to vent to my friends, and include them, and use them as a sounding board, that's my business, and my choice. Next time I'll be sure to be careful who I choose to speak to, because apparently there's some loose lips out there. I am going through a very rough time right now, I don't need to be talked at, preached to, or told I don't have a right to be angry about a situation. Which seems to be some people's preferred method of communication. Those who are there day in and day out, and know the recent revelations understand why I was mad int he first place, and understand the long trial Chris and I have in front of us. Those who love and support us, have done just that, they have tried to wrap their arms around us, and let their thoughts and prayers be our guide. Lisa, you're right I have seen my true friends, and they're in the comments on my page, and the phone calls of support, and the messages of hopes that it will all work out, and the inspiration of keeping my head up and fighting for what I want and who I love. Thank you all again for the support you have given, it has been the one thing to keep my head on straight. I appreciate the shoulders to cry on, the words on encouragement, and the thoughts and prayers of things working out. It is greatly appreciated.


Posted by ღStricklandღ on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 2:38 PM
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**And the subsequent emails:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ~Katie~
Date: Jan 17, 2009 3:37 PM


im not replying back to the blog bc in all honesty i dont really think its a conversation for all to see and put their word in on. your acting like i dont care about you or never have. i HAVE been there for you and HAVE been an ear for you to talk to whenever you have needed it. I agree you shuld get Ron out of your life as i have told you like a million times!!!!! I understand there are feelings but honey hes not the only person who was there for you with everything. as far as i know so was lisa right? so ditch ron and work on you and chris, cause as much as he says he doesnt care that you talk i would imagine he probably does even if just a little bit. Tonya, you first loved me bc of my honesty and if you want to hate me in the end bc of it then thats fine. I know you need people there for you and i never EVER said i wouldnt be there for you. I just think it's not helping to blame everything on others and maybe in the heat of the moment your getting a little irrational. But thats you honey, thats who you are and what you do. which is fine. i knew that from day one. but you also knew im blunt and honest. so i disagree with you ONE time. It's up to you Tonya you can pretend like im some horrible person who hasnt been there for you and get rid of the "trash" in your life. or you can actually talk to me and quit being mad. Bc your complaining about he said she said stuff but thats exactly what you did when you were mad at me... you went to Ron and talked about OUR conversation. which is fine I know that you needed to vent.
But dont act like I did something wrong if you do the same thing!
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ღStricklandღ
Date: Jan 17, 2009 4:10 PM


First I am not responsible for what other people respond, and I am not going to apologize for a friend defending me when she feels it's needed.
Second, I am not mad you disagreed, I am mad about your tact. I am not blaming everyone else for my problems, because if I were, Chris is more than willing to take the fall for all of this, and agreeing with him that this is all his fault is a hell of a lot easier than fighting with him as to why it's not. What I am blaming Bob for is the way in which he is full boar attacking Chris, he has now brought Lorin into it, he has now questioned Chris on several other things and threatened him with eviction with or without me there. So yes, I am blaming Bob for gunning for Chris, for whatever reason. I am also blaming Bob for using his lease to his advantage and forgetting the fact that all his monies gained from that lease are to be IN the lease not added at his discretion, and per his OWN words without 30 days notice. I have a right to do that. There is a way in which you treat people, and there is a way you do not, and he is on the wrong side of the tracks with the way he treats people.
My point about you and Ron talking was that according to him you two have not spoken in weeks, until you and I had an issue. Him and I have been talking as normal the past few days, and he called on Monday asking to go to lunch. He asked me to go to Vegas or Cedar this weekend instead of the hotel, and that's where the conversation about the fight came from. And the day before I believe when I talked to him about what he thought about Chris cheating. He asked why, and said no he didn't believe he was. I said what you said gave me pause, then the next day with the Bob story. I had enough. The difference is, Ron and I talked about more than just you, and according to him and your own words, that's the only thing you two talked about was the whatever between you and I. I didn't "go" to him to talk about our conversation, and every time he asks what's going on in your world I tell him it's not my place to say. That if he wanted to know he'd ask you.
You and I both know we're being played by him, we're too smart of women not to. He talks shit about you to me, and he talks shit about me to you. Then he goes to us and says she said this this and this.
What's more you have a whole hell of a lot of nerve to try and call me out on being "mad at you" for doing something I'm doing as well, when you're jumping on my shit about what Chris and I did to Bob, and you'd have called the police, when YOU have an animal and more than who's on your lease in YOUR apartment. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black sweetie. And THAT is what chapped my ass, NOT you disagreeing with me.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ~Katie~
Date: Jan 17, 2009 4:23 PM


look its this simple. you wanna be mad at me then be mad. u wanna treat me like shit then treat me like shit. what ever makes u feel better at the end of your day. as for me, you havent been the greatest friend. everything is completely about you and i really cant count the ammount of times you have bailed on me. so as for now i think its a great idea if we part ways. true friends can bicker and then come back and say u know what ... who cares.. were still friends.. but apparently thats not the case here. best wishes in the future.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ღStricklandღ
Date:
Jan 17, 2009 4:35 PM Subject:
RE: ...
Body:
Think what you like, you made your points, and I was making mine. To me, that's what 'bickering' is. I'm sorry that I had strep throat New Years, you didn't come anyway. I'm sorry I didn't know our plans for Vegas were solid, and that I put my kids first. Yeah, MY kids, I recall the comment of you telling me that I'm not their mom yet. Yes, I am. I am in relationship with Chris and the first time I see them I am not going to bail, and it's not like YOU came to me and said you were upset. YOU waited how long? Again, don't jump my shit for the same shit you do. I would love to know how I have not been the greatest friend. Please enlighten me. I have never ignored your calls, not answered your texts, or not been there when Ben called, or Ryan turned to Jekyll. Trust when I say it is not always about me, do I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now, you bet. Would I like to be able to sit on my ass and just worry about what to feed Ryder today, peas or bananas. You bet, but for whatever reason, right now, I can't. So now cutting the drama from my life is the first step, and that drama is Ron. You want that cut to be you too, that's your choice. However you had a chance to speak your mind, I chose to speak mine too. Somehow to me, that only seemed fair, but whatever floats your boat chick.

**
Chris is going to the base to get drunk all night tonight, with his friend Matt. My mom and I yet again just got into a fight. Damn me for being dead on that if I said just hold me I doubt he would. Fanfuckingtastic.

I know I shouldn't...I really do, but...I let someone get to me tonight. On top of everything with Chris, and on top of just finding out the piece of shit I always knew Big was but never to this extent, on top of losing a friend, who God knows if Big is just fucking with me, or it's the truth, and on top of Ryder not wanting to go to sleep tonight. I got in a fight with someone online, over poker. He smarted off and I shot back, and it just got nasty. I'm fugly, fat and I'm pathetic, and I'm this and that, and I shouldn't but it's taking it's toll on me because it's all the things I think about myself on a daily basis. All I want to do is curl up next to Chris and say hold me. I can't because I'm in a hotel sitting across from my mom, and even if I did, I don't know he would. I don't know my role in his depression and retreat. In 15 days Chris is activated. He's on leave. He's gone. Granted it's at Hill but I think...he'll stay gone. I heard from him right after he left Friday apologizing for not giving me cash, and had I not texted him at 5pm tonight I think I probably would not have heard from him at all.I don't know my role. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or not do now. There was a time when we would spend literally 20 hours out of the day on the phone with one another if not more. Now...if we weren't in the same house we would probably go days without speaking to one another. He told me it was going to get worse before it gets better, and he does this to avoid getting mean and nasty, but I just...I miss him. I miss us, and it seems no matter what I try, or what I do, it just...goes unnoticed. I dyed my hair red and bought a sexy black nighty...he was tired that night, and by morning he noticed the hair. I had it all planned. Normally he calls when he's on his way home, I was going to light a few candles, Ryder was in his deep sleep, and I was going to seduce my man. However, he was out so late, I was asleep when he got home, and didn't see him again until he got home from UPS. Noticed the hair right away, which is more than I can say for some men.
Bob is trying to get Chris out for reasons that are beyond me, he is nitpicking about everything. Telling Chris he never read the lease, and dragging Lorin into it. I have done my best to keep Lorin out of it, my first inclination was to call him and say please tell Bob we know we were in the wrong having the dogs but that he should know because of his relationship with you and your subsequent relationship with us that we would never do anything to damage the townhouse, or to put his interests in jeopardy. It's not Lorin's business though, so aside from him letting me keep Ari and Ani there he is not a part of it. Chris uses him as a sounding board and asks what he thinks, but he does that with everything. Lorin is a very important part of Chris' life.
I don't know I'm just...feeling alone, and lonely, and scared and worthless and helpless. There's only so many brow beatings you can take day after day before you just want to...jump off a cliff, and in all honesty if it were not for my little monster man finally sleeping and needing to wake up to his mommy there...I'd probably have done it already.
I just...don't know...

As some of you know the day before Christmas eve I was pulled over and my jeep was impounded. 5 days after Christmas, Chris' landlord not so politely informed us we have 10 days to get out. My dogs are now in Lorin's garage. Aribeth;s nose is torn to shit and bleeding from her trying to get out of her kennel. She's pooping in her kennel, they're dirty, and I have no way of getting to them. Or my mom to work for that matter. I tried asking for help, from someone who is supposed to be one of my closest friends and that got me no where. Thanks friend. Happy Friendiversary to you too. Chris keeps having it out with Melissa who apparently feels he's not a good role model. I'm sorry you psycho cunt, you're the one who dumped your husband for your INCARCERATED, ex and current con, abusive, cheating, ex-husband and you want to talk about role models? Chris only tells me after the fact, to which he said today there's so much shit between us he doesn't want to add more. Wow. Didn't know that. Chris has been put through the ringer because of my bullshit. He's gone all the time now, he's been home maybe 10 hours total since Friday. He keeps saying how it's all his fault and those are just the facts, and I don't agree. I just...need a lifeline, and I thought asking Big for the help was it. Shoulda known right?

Chris had to be at work at midnight, so I stayed downstairs with a fussy Ryder, and then read a bit after he left and passed out, literally book in hand about 1 am. 5 am (3-4 hours before he's supposed to be of I miss a call from Chris, so I check my voicemails and then call him back when I can see enough to press something other than the 1 key for messages. He wanted to know which door to go in, so I say the front door is locked and bolted but the slide lock is undone. He tells me I'm going to have to bring him to the emergency room. That the pain of his kidney stones is too much and he can't manage it anymore. So I PANIC, fly downstairs with Ryder tell my mom to watch him, go get dressed and Chris is home like 5 minutes later. I reach for the keys, he says he's coming in he has to change, I'm like to go to the ER?! He's like I'll be there a while. I said okay, he thanked me for the rice krispie treats said everyone loved them, I reached for the dish they were in and he went up stairs to change, I went downstairs and put the dish on the counter. He drives there, we get there about 5:30ish about 8 we leave, he's on morphine, has about 3 or 4 more stones in his kidney aside from the ones he's passing. They send him home with percocet and flowmax. We go to IHOP (where I'm informed Chris is feeling claustrophobic, he's indecisive, he wants to be sure, that it hurts him that the kids ask every time if they're going to get to spend the night, how he's torn up inside, and is putting me on the same level as the kids, oh and he's very protective of his children, I'm going to chalk the last comment up the muscle relaxers and pain meds) to eat so when we pick up the scripts he can take one. Head over to Rite-Aid, he has dual insurance, and the first from the Air Force wants a generic brand, such good care for the men and women serving our country, right? So he looks for his other card, and we go home and start digging. As we're coming off 900, and turn onto 4500, we end up behind bum bum bum MELISSA! We get to 1300 and the lights red, we're in the turn lane she's going straight. I get this look on my face. Chris asks what's up. I said the irony of my life is hilarious, because if I didn't laugh I would cry. He's like what? I said it's me, you, then Melissa, stuck at a red light, which means YOU CAN'T MOVE FORWARD. My GOD the irony! He's like she didn't pull forward she didn't make eye contact. I said that's not the point. So aside from the 14 cops we passed on the way, I was a little more than already frazzled. So we're pulling into the complex, and Bob the landlord is pulling in as well. I'm like Fucking Christ it's going to be a fan-fucking-tastic day! Chris goes to talk to him, informs me that Bob is 'cutting him some slack about us being here because of all the work Chris does here.' FUCK YOU OLD MAN! This place looks AMAZING! And you DON'T know about the TWO 80LB MOTHER FUCKING DOGS HERE OR THE CAT because GUESS WHAT!? We're NEAT people! We CLEAN up after ourselves so SHOVE IT UP YOUR MORMON ASS! We head back over to Rite-Aid, few more cops later, I'm exhausted and I just know this god damn day is NO where near over with. What's next Big on my door with flowers? Chyea right!

Chris' accident: Chris was in an accident the other day (as you can tell from the previous post). He was getting off the highway and this chick was turning and so he started to go, she just stops for no reason so he taps her bumper. No damage to either vehicle. She turns it in to his insurance company anyway. Anything over 15 miles an hour Chris' airbags deploy, nothing. She's claiming damage to her car and medical. Yeah I'll give that cunt some medical damage if she wants. Bitch. If she knew that Chris' defends her freedom to try and scam people and act like a fucking idiot! Pisses me off.
Kitchen sink: The kitchen sink has some hella fucking clog, we've taken apart the pipes, snaked it, put in Thrift which is this acid shit, for the past 2 days. We've used every dirty dish, now we're down to paper plates and microwave dinners. Which in turn brings us to the:
Chemical burns: While Chris and I were using the Thrift it burned the shit out of him and I. I couldn't type or the past few days it burned the skin off the bottoms of my fingers, it obliterated the tops of my hands and my left arm. It got Chris on the arms and his face is just burned to all hell. We've called the landlord to get a plumber. Even Lorin...a plumber, electrician, and all around general contractor and appliance installer for the past I dunno 30-35 years has no idea what to do next. Chris is at a loss, another general contractor and appliance installer for the past 23 years. It fucking sucks I need my GOD DAMN KITCHEN!
Burns: I have now burned my finger, same finger, twice, separate occasions, top and then bottom. I swear to God Chris and I are effing cursed. It's probably that psycho wench Jen using VooDoo or something.
The kids: So Ethan tells my mom that we have to stay here forever and can't ever leave...as Chris is shuffling us out the fucking door so they can spend the night. STILL won't even broach the subject of getting a house for all of us. Won't even TALK about the idea of subletting this place. Pisses me off.
Big: Several unanswered Yahoo messages and a text message later finally told me 'fine, don't talk to me, have a nice life.' Here's all I have to say to you:

Couples Hot Little Survey

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

In The Beginning

Your name:
Tonya

Your mates name:
Chris

How we met:
Haha Facebook lol

Where we met:
Chicago

What attracted you to each other:
That we just fit.

How long before you went out:
2-3 weeks?

First Date:

When:
Oct. 25th

Where:
We stopped at Blimpie's on the way back from the airport

Who asked who:
We reached a concensus in the car lol

Best part about the date:
Watching him with Ryder, and being able to just kiss him, and be next to him.

Most nervous about:
Everything!

Who called whom first:
He called me, and I didn't answer lol

FIRST Kiss:

When:
Oct. 25th

Where:
Chicago O'Hare Airport

Who kissed whom first:
He kissed me.

We will always remember:
Chicago

Saying the LOVE word:

Who said it first:
Haha Chris did, only because I beat around the bush.

When:
October 12th

Where:
Facebook messenger thingy while on the phone lol

His reaction:
He said it haha

Your reaction:
I said it back =)

First Trip:

When was it:
Oct 26th

Where was it to:
Utah

Did you buy any suiveneers:
Shot glasses for Katie, thimbles for Beriet, spoons for Jocelyn and key chains for Ethan lol

Have you been back together:
We live here lol, we came from Wisconsin

Tokens of affection:

First gift he gave you:
A magnifying glass, an I Love My Airman coin, a bag of cheese popcorn, and a little called my ring!

First gift you gave him:
My heart

When was the last time you bought or received flowers:
I received flowers about a week or so after we got back here.

What did or will you do for Valentines day?
I dunno what we'll do but I can't wait to just spend it with him.

Feast on this:

First meal he cooked for you:
I think it was roly polys for the kids.

First meal you cooked for him:
Steaks

Foods you introduced to him:
I don't think any really...he has a pretty open pallette

Foods he introduced to you:
Roly Poly lol

Nights at home:

Favorite meals:
Tons

Favorite treats:
Each other tee hee hee

Favorite things to do:
See above lol, and play Jewel Quest like the dorks we are

Favorite Ice Cream:
The ice cream from Iceberg

Out on the town:

Favorite restaurants:
In love with Sweet Tomato

Favorite dance club:
Haha NOT Club 90! lol

Favorite theatres:
Haven't been to one yet

Favorite activities:
Any with the kids.

Our future holds:

What he wishes for
A good marriage when our problemsare resolved

What you wish for:
A life with him

Random

Our Differences:
There's a lot, we agree to disagree a lot.

Our Similarities:
We're both stubborn as hell

I have always wanted to tell you:
That you are my everything Chris, and I could never love anyone as much as I love you.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

OoooooOoOoOoOoOoO!!!!!! He AGGRAVATES the ever loving SHIT out of me!! Bad enough he tells me 'I love you and I wish you would have done things my way' on the phone the other night, now THIS?

Him - 10:50 am - Morning
Me - 10:51 am - You haunted my dreams last night. You and Dennis, my old manager from AmEx.
Him - 10:52 am - Was I good?
Me - 10:52 am - Not that kinda dream, but yay for wishful thinking. How are you this morning?
Him - 10:53 am - Damn...I could be better, I have a headache and my stomach is disagreeing with what I ate last night.
Me - 10:55 am - Then done eat it.
Me - 10:55 am - *don't
Him - 10:55 am - I'm not going to again!
Me - 10:56 am - Sucks to be her!
Him - 10:57 am - It wasn't pussy! LOL
Me - 10:59 am - Yea yea
Him - 11:02 am - It wasn't!
Him - 11:11 am - So what was I doing in your dream?
Me - 11:16 am - I dunno really I just remember you and I walking.
Him - 11:20 am - Hmmm...
Me - 11:21 am - Mmhm
Him - 11:28 am - Maybe that is something your heart desires - that we just walk and talk
Me - 11:29 am - Who are you and what have you done with Ron?
Him - 11:30 am - Why do you say that?
Me - 11:35 am - My heart desires? You don't talk like that
Him - 11:36 am - Maybe I should
Me - 11:37 am - Since when have you wanted to be a romantic? Or cared about my hearts desires?
Him - 11:39 am - I can be romantic! Since now I guess.
Me - 11:47 am - I know you can be. I asked since when do you want to be? And do you care now for the sold purpose I'm with someone else or because you're looking for a challenge again like in the beginning or do you legitimately see what I saw before?
Him - 11:51 am - Because I'm looking for what?
Me - 11:52 am - The 2nd message should be coming through
Him - 11:53 am - Both
Me - 11:54 am - There were 3 options...
Him - 12:00 pm - Ok...the latter two
Me - 12:00 pm - I don't want to be another challenge for you.It'll be the same as before you bait and catch and toss back in.
Him - 12:02 pm - Ok then...it's the challenge that you are with someone.
Me - 12:04 pm - And what happens if I do leave Chris? Take him up on his offer to see where things go with you? Fun's over and I'm left alone, dealing with heartbroken kids, and devestating the man I have a chance at a real life with? Would you still be there? I'm not so sure. I think you're bored, and love toying with me, and the satisfaction would be in getting me away from Chris because you could, not because you thought you lost something great. Which by the way you did.
Him - 12:22 pm - Thanks. Aren't I just the asshole! Stay where you are.
Me - 12:22 pm - Well please tell me if I am wrong here?
Him - 12:23 pm - You aren't. Have a great day because you just made mine.
Me - 12:24 pm - You brought it up! Run away as usual Ron. God forbid you actually EVER resolve this!
Him - 12:24 pm - It will never be resolved.
Him - 12:25 pm - There is nothing to resolve...you moved on.
Me - 12:25 pm - No it won't, especia.ly when one of us is absent the conversation!
Me - 12:27 pm - No Mr. YOU moved on! YOU told me you were with Idaho! Was I supposed to wait AGAIN on the hopes she'd screw it up AGAIN! So I could pick up your pieces when you send flowers and get no response, in hopes that maybe JUST maybe THIS would be the time you saw me?!
Him - 12:28 pm - I told you I wasn't going to do anything with you until I got here...there. Remember? (I think he meant until 'you got here...there')
Me - 12:32 pm - Yes, and you wanted me here SO bad you offered to help me Mr. Who Got The $5,000 Sign On Bonus. It's convenient for you to use that line, too bad ya didn't offer! EVER! Chris did without hesitation because guess what?! He couldn't wait the 2 weeks until my mom got her payout to be with me! That's someone who wants to be with someone else! Not someone who uses it as an I could have too a month and a half later!
Him - 12:33 pm - Good for him. I don't need to explain myself to you.
Me - 12:34 pm - Uhhh isn't that what resolving it is all about?
Me - 12:34 pm - Either you want it for the right reasons or ya don't, it's cut and dry.
Him - 12:35 pm - Nothing will ever be resolved. We constantly do this and it is moot! We have both moved on. (Funny I thought it was me just a few minutes ago, not us)
Me - 12:36 pm - Then why are you trying if you've moved on? Oh that's right, just like that weekend you wanted to prove to me we could be 'us' still. Cause ya can.
Him - 12:37 pm - I'm glad you have all the answers.
Me - 12:39 pm - Well when you deam me worthy enough to be privey to your answers, then I'm all ears.
Him -12:40 pm - K
Him - 12:44 pm - Why is it some days it seems as all is resolved and then others its just right back into it?
Me - 12:46 pm - Because some days you want me and some days ya don't. I'm your almond joy.
Me - 12:48 pm - I love Chris, I love our life, no matter how rocky it gets. I don't have to do a dance for him to tell me how he feels. He has no issues calling me a bitch, beautiful, or telling me that he loves me, or wants me. You used to be like that. For Idaho's sake you should go back to being that person.
Him - 12:51 pm - And I don't think you are entirely sure you made the right choice either (Either? I'm sorry I didn't have one. You said you were with someone else, so I went off looking for people to fill my time while we were going to be LIVING WITH EACH OTHER! I'm sorry I found who I'm supposed to be with!!)
Him - 12:54 pm - Them he you are so happy then you/we need no resolution.
Him - 12:55 pm - Then if you are so happy then you/we need no resolution.
Me - 1:01 pm - I am happy, but that does not hcance how I felt about you for almost a year. That does not change that I will always love you, and wonder what might have been. But I wanted t o be with the person I first met, the nice guy, not the nice guy who kept breaking my heart (how he described himself to me on the last night we were 'us' before I found out he drove straight through Salt Lake on up to Idaho for the first time, when he started lying to me). He's gone, and I've finally accepted that. Do I think I made the wrong decision? Absolutely not.
Him - 1:03 pm - Then you shouldn't wonder what would have been with me.
And on that note...I'm done, you're right...you're an asshole and I don't need the shit you bring to my life. And as friends on the journal can see Chris and I are in a good place from the emails in the previous post, so we don't need the shit you bring to our lives either. Asshole. One word: Speed.

From: Tonya
Subject: Us
To: Chris
Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 7:31 PM


I was under the impression with what little time we had together that you
wouldn't want to spend it cleaning or doing laundry. Or that just sitting
down to a meal together since you have to be to bed so early would be better
than you having to cook when you got home. I'm sorry for trying to make it
easier on you while you're working your ass off at peak.
I am upset that you didn't tell me about something that upset you that
much. Instead you let me walk around the past 3 days thinking that you wanted me
out for the sake of just having me out. That we were different, that the reason
you walked right past me upstairs every night and didn't kiss me, or hug me,
and that you don't call me during the day anymore was because we were losing
what we had. That somehow we were already drifting apart. You let in these snide
comments to get me to do what you couldn't ask. You said nothing that can be
done now, and jumped at the opportunity to buy fucking furniture so I would just
say okay I'm moving out.
I would have told you to reserve TLF on the base, and taken Leah and the dogs
with me on the kids weekends. As it stands that's the preferred but I'll
find a hotel willing to take pets for the weekend instead if I have to. Tomorrow
my mom and I and Ryder will not be home when you get back with the kids. The
dogs won't need to go out or be taken care of and we'll be back at the
house about 8:30. And that is how it will remain on Wednesdays and Fridays until
the 27th which is the first weekend we can pay for the hotel. The rest of the
money will be put away so we can move out as soon as possible.
The 13th and 14th is up to you. I will ask Stephanie for some money for a
hotel, go to Cedar for the weekend or my mom and I will find something to do all
day. We'll go to the library or something. I'll run home to take care of
the dogs and leave again.
If the kids want to see Ryder that's fine, I'll bring him with to let
the dogs out.
As far as you and I that is also up to you. I will not be spoken down to
because I get upset, especially when I have every right to. I won't be told
because I get upset that you won't and shouldn't have had conversations
with me that I have every right to know about. Especially when they concern me.
I can venture a guess that the argument with Melissa last night was not solely
about the military?
Until you decide if this is still something you can handle I will stay in
Jocelyn's room. And no this is NOT what I want. What I want is to go back to
the way things were, where all we did was tell each other everything. And all we
did was talk. I love you and nothing will ever change that.

---

From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 9:10:00 AM
Subject: Re: Us


I have never once said that what you do isn't appreciated, because it is. Yes it frees up some time, but it is also something that we can do together. Before we even got together I told you I loved to cook and had been doing my own laundry, and for the most part my apt was clean. It was something I have always done and I enjoyed it. I don't mind that you do it, however every once in a while I would have liked to cook, clean or do my own laundry. That is part of who I am. Just as much as I have to get used to who you are, you have to get used to who I am. I have tried to make it a point to not ask you to change, and I have I am sorry. I fell in love with who you are and I see no reason to change that.

When I get tired no matter what is going on in my life, I tend to withdraw from everyone. Once again that is me. I used to call during the day when I was driving in between jobs, and for the last three days I have been on the computer at Lorin's so I was never driving in between jobs to call.

I did not jump at the opportunity to buy you furniture. It was something that I was willing to do to be helpful. If you moving out was so easy for me, I would have just told you that you needed to move, so that my kids would be happy, but I had not and was trying to figure out how to fix it.

You and you mom do not need to be gone on Wednesdays and Fridays unless that is what you want to do. We will discuss the weekends when they get here, it will be a decision between the two of us.

As for Melissa she could care less about what I am doing, and our argument was solely about me deploying again, and she was worried that I would volunteer to go. It would be too hard on my kids right now. They just got me back, and I will not volunteer for any assignments that would take me away from them.

I do not intentionally talk down to you. I hate with a passion any type of argument, fight or confrontation. I don't think we should be having them. That may be stupid on my part, but it is my opinion.

If I wanted you out of my life then I would have said so. You have made it very clear that Ron will run and pick you up. If we were to break up. I have never even brought up the subject, nor do I intend to do so. If we are going to fail as a couple it will be on both of us, not on one or the other of us. Because one of us decided it would be easier to run away. At least that is my opinion.

I love you and I always will. Where you choose to sleep and how you choose to react is up to you, I have no intention of fighting/arguing/having a tiff with you. I think enough damage was done last night to our relationship and it cant handle much more.

You said that I had no right to decide how you were going to react to the situation. But you have told me on my occasions that I would have to deal with you mad if we were not together, and that hurts me when you are mad or sad. Just like I will have to learn to deal with you mad, you will need to learn to deal with me when I withdraw, and I would like you to understand that 99% of the time it will have nothing to do with you. It is me. I have good days and bad days. The bad days I tend to withdraw.

I love you

---

From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 11:02:29 AM
Subject: Re: Us

I know it's appreciated, you tell me that all the time. I never said you didn't appreciate it. If that's the way it came across I apologize. We had many a play arguments about the kitchen before I got here too, and like I told you last night, if you want to cook, clean, and do laundry that's fine. I really don't care. When my mom goes back to work on the 15th I will need your help, she does the laundry, I try and keep upstairs clean. So with Ryder in mommy mode all the time I will need help. It would have been a household effort. I will separate my clothes from yours today that are left in the 2 baskets, and the rest is yours to do. Same with the ones already done, I will put away mine, and you can take care of yours.
The phone calls, or lack there of started long before you working on Lorin's books. If you say that is just you, I'll deal with it.
Like I told you last night until such a time as you come up with a better idea as to how to fix it, this is how it will be, and when that time comes I am open to suggestions.
I do think we should be having disagreements, if we didn't, one of us is lying. People will disagree, it's a part of life. Do I like them? No. Do I think for a while there they were happening all too frequently? Yes.
However I'm stuck here, if we don't work I have no place to go, and I feel stuck. I have no friends here, I don't know where the hell I am half the time. Or where to even look for an apartment, and I'm having this odd sense of deja vu. The arguments you and I are having are some of the same Ron and I had, and it makes me feel like shit. He'd just as soon lie to me or 'retreat' then tell me what was really going on, and in turn when it did come out, I got mad at not what was said or done but the fact I was not told. Especially when it had to do with me. Which is exactly what happened last night. I know you don't want to be compared to Ron, and I'm comparing arguments, not you two per se. That makes me feel like shit, like I'm unapproachable, that I can't be trusted with the truth.
Ron knew how upset I was last night and that is why he offered to come get me. Irregardless of what has happened romantically with us he is my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself because he has been there through the hardest times in my life. He was there when it was good with David, he was there when I found out all the lies and deception, and that he was certifiably insane. He was the phone call when David was running around the bedroom chasing ghosts. When I kicked him out the 2nd time and he went to the homeless shelter. He was there when Christy betrayed me with his darkest secret and used it to try and get him back in jail, and for me to lose custody. She made our lives a living hell. He was there right after when because I found mold in my apartment my landlord evicted me. He was there through my entire pregnancy, all the emergency room visits, and the complications. He was there on the phone for every appointment and ultrasound. He was the 2 am phone calls when I had to live in a hotel 8 months pregnant with my mom and the dogs and Leah for 2 weeks, when I thought for a while I was going to be living in my jeep, until Angela said here's the money for another week. He was the phone call when the house that was supposed to make it all better was infested with bats, and a heater that didn't work, and electricity that shorted out when you plugged something in. He was there when every step I took was the wrong one. I would not have made it through without him. Yes, he hurt me time and again. He lied to me all the time about Idaho, and Taunya, and the neighbor girl. But I can not forget how he always picked me up, and glued my pieces back together, and fought for me when I hung up on him, and kept calling, and texting, and messaging me, until I answered again. He showed me that I am worth fighting for, that because I made the msitake with Jason of getting married too young, and that I made the even bigger mistake of ever getting involved with David that I was worth fighting for. He made me see that irregardless of the shit David put me through it was all worth it when Ryder smiles, when he looks at me, when he takes every breath, it was all worth it. Which if things ever get as bad as they were during that time, I will be for you, and you will hopefully be for me. His point last night was that if you are not willing to stand up for me then why should I stay? Part of me agrees with that, I don't ever see you standing up to Melissa. Now or in the future. This co-parenting united front that you have to stand by, was a decision she reigned down. I remember the phone call outside and the subsequent conversation we had, and the fact you had no say in it. That is not co-parenting that is Melissa doing what she wants, when she wants, while she can. She pulled the law strings, which I completely understand contrary to what you might think. My point last night which I think you didn't get is, in my own apartment there is no difference between my mom and I in one location and the kids going upstairs to sleep, and my mom and I in one location and the kids going down the street to sleep. What I don't get is, if it's against the law period, it should be enough to get you out of a lease. Without feeling bad about it. If you went to Bob and said look my ex-wife is being an ex-wife and she's doing x, y, and z about my kids being in a 2 bedroom, if it's the law then what human being a parent especially would not understand that? If he wants the money to break it, fine we'll pay it in payments. But quite honestly I don't think you do want to continue to live together anymore, that's my opinion. Which is fine. If that is how you feel, then what can I do?
I want to marry you more than anything but I will not do so living under separate roofs. That is not a marriage. Yes it was our original agreement I would have a place of my own before I got here, but just like things changed for you, they changed for me. I think we're taking two steps backwards, and yes that scares the piss out of me. We're not doing so hot on this level, so let's go backwards? It doesn't make sense to me.
You said last night that sometimes you think we should, that we should just date for a while and try to get to know one another. If that was the case I should have gone to Cedar as originally planned. We could have dated, seen what it was like to be together, none of the issues with the kids would be going on now, and neither of us would be in the financial state we're in. But I didn't, and we both knew it would be rough, but it was a decision we made that we are for all intents and purposes man and wife, a united front, and that we would weather this road together no matter what it presented. That is not happening now. So maybe I should go to Cedar as originally planned as opposed to finding an apartment here. That was the first and original agreement. So if we want to talk about sticking to our words, that was the first and for a while only plan. I can come up and stay at a hotel with Ryder on some of the kids weekends so they can see him, and I can see them. That way everyone is still a part of everyone's lives, the kids can swim if they want, and they can still go home with you to sleep.
Me telling you that you will have to deal with me being upset is no different than you telling me that you retreating is something I will have to deal with. We can't choose how each other will react to things, we only choose our subsequent reactions. I get automatically thrown back into that whole mess that Ron sometimes created or most times helped me through when we have an argument where you kept inside something that is a direct relation to me. I don't think Ethan is upset solely at the fact I am here, or that he can't spend the night. However that portion of why he is upset is a direct result of Melissa's actions, and in turn I will do what I have to do to protect him and make it easier on him while she's running around like a child stomping her feet.
If she put in half as much effort in those kids as she does being bitter, they all would be happier in that home. I'm sorry I'm freshly 26, with a baby, and able to have more children if I wanted, but that is not my fault, and mostly it is NOT Ethan and Jocelyn's fault which is who she is hurting the most, and who she is taking it out on. That is why I don't see this as I have a choice, I am trying to damage control. And in a pseudo-professional opinion, she is damaging those kids. The way she acts and the way she carries on, and the way she ignores them half the time, and talks to them is awful. For instance, the smoking when she came to pick them up. She told Ethan to deal with it, she's a smoker. That is not a healthy way to speak to a 6-year old. Or anyone for that matter. They pick up on her hostility towards me as well, they're very intelligent children. I see the way Jocelyn reads body language, she exudes body language all the time. She's a vocal and movement observer, that's why she's more outgoing and sings and dances, because those are the traits she picks up on. What people say, and how they say it, and the things their body says when their mouths are closed. Ethan is a visual observer, he watches, everything. He's an explorer, he wants to know everything all the time, what it is, how it works, how it's made, it's reactions to other environmental factors. Jocelyn is a nurturer, and Ethan is a fixer. These are things I could have told you from my education that might have been able to help you get into their heads on their level and understand. I have tools at my disposal that would have helped you in getting onto Ethan's level. That is why I was upset you didn't talk to me.
You can't tell me all the way here, and the weeks prior that these are 'our' children and exclude me when one comes to you and is hurting. They can't be 'our' children when you need time to do school work, or you want the idea of a family unit, and your children and your problem when life gets tough.
I love you and I want this to work, but you have to learn to trust me and let me in. Yes, I didn't tell you I had an issue, because I was waiting for the right time to talk to you, but I didn't ignore you. I wasn't short with you, and I didn't intentionally or otherwise make you think it was you that was the issue.
I'm sorry that you misread the kids, but I'm sure it's happened before, and I guarantee it will happen again. Which is why if you have some time where it's just you, then you can maybe talk to Ethan, and get to the bottom of this issue if not others. That is why I won't be here when you get back with them. Yes they will wonder the first few minutes, why we're not here, but they will enjoy too that they have you to themselves again. Just as they did before.

---

From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 5:17:50 PM
Subject: Re: Us

I did not realize I had stopped calling. I didn't say we would not have any arguments. I just think it is too soon into our relationship to be having them. We should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. that is just my opinion. Your relationship with Ron is your business, I will do my best to stay out of it. I have set my terms and have accepted yours. I am sorry for everything you went through. What is against the law is the amount of people in this two bedroom apartment. The state of Utah has some very funky laws when it comes to people who are not married to each other or otherwise not related. I stand up to Melissa more that you know. If I didn't the kids would not be here at all. I try to handle my business with Melissa myself, because I know how much it bothers you.

If you feel it is better for you to move to Ceder City, then I will support that decision. I don't like it, I hate it, but I will support it.
As for where to live, I am sorry that I have let you down, if you would like tomorrow evening, when I get back from the base, we can sit down and look at places and I will show you on the map I will get where they are and how to get around.

I do love you, more than you realize. I still want to marry you. I am scared of having another bad marriage and I will not say I do until we know for sure that we can handle all the issues that come with the baggage that each one of has. Yes I have slowed things down because I am scared and some of the things that we have tiffs about and how much we seem to disagree over stupid shit. That does not change my feelings for you. I just know that before we can become husband and wife, there are areas that we need to improve in.

I love you

---

From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Saturday, December 6, 2008 6:13:16 AM
Subject: Re: Us

How are we supposed to know how to handle everything that comes our way if you handle 'your' business and don't include me?

---

From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Saturday, December 6, 2008 7:38:59 PM
Subject: Re: Us

There will always be things that I feel that I need to handle, and I am sure there will always be things in your life that you feel you need to handle. This may or may not be the best way to handle things but at this time it is what I feel that I need to do. It has nothing to do with you it has to do with me. Sometimes it is easier on me just to handle my emotions internally, it prevents me from saying things in the heat of the moment which can be mis-interpreted.

---

From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Sunday, December 7, 2008 2:47:44 PM
Subject: Re: Us

I can live with that. I'm going to make mention of this one last time and never bring it up again. I've talked to all who know me best and they're all drawing the same conclusion it seems. A.They agree with me about the whole if life was fair we would just find the 4 bedroom and tell Melissa to deal with it and B. That it seems maybe we shouldn't be together. Katie thinks why are we still together if we keep fighting. Ron thinks it just sounds like you don't want to be with me, and he amended that to maybe you're just dealing with it all the best way you know how. Lisa thinks you do want to be with me, but you're not sure it will work, so you're pushing me away.
I keep going back to that night on the base with Larry. How he was the only one to pull me aside and really talk to me about you. I still won't tell you what was said, aside from what you already know. We know how far beyond three sheets to the wind he was, so we all know it was the God's honest truth. Realistically, I think sober he would have said the same thing, because he loves you, and cares a great deal about you. He told me you thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and how much you really did love me. How skeptical he was until he had a chance to see me, and talk to me, and how he saw what you saw in me.
I'm scared Chris. Some of the things you said last night scared the hell out of me, and made it seem like maybe everyone was right, and maybe Larry just caught you at the honeymoon phase of what you thought I was.
We don't get a honeymoon phase, baby. We don't. We have messy pasts, and a small village of children between us, and their respective parents to deal with. Our honeymoon phase ended when we got in the Jeep. We were driving right towards real life. With ex's who cause issues, and kids who have needs, that supersede anything we want. We're going to fight and disagree because we are both passionate, headstrong, stubborn as ox people. And we knew that going in, we're going to butt heads on a lot of things. We knew that when we asked about politics.
I could care less how many times we agree to disagree as long as we agree on the important stuff. I love you Chris, and if you don't see this working, don't be afraid to be honest with me. But I gotta tell you, the thought, of not waking up to you. Of not seeing you, and holding you, and kissing you, and touching you, and my God the idea of not seeing Beriet, or Ethan, or Jocelyn insisting she walks with her arms around me everywhere, or of Ryder not getting to be their little brother, or your son, of them not being my kids, Axell included, just kills me. It kills me. Save all that, all I want you to do is be happy. With or without me.


---

From: Chris
To: Tonya
Sent: Sunday, December 7, 2008 8:12:55 PM
Subject: Re: Us

If I did not want to see if we could make it, I would have said so by now. I have been through too much in my life to be unhappy just to make someone else happy. If I thought I would be happier without you I would say so. You can tell Ron that unlike him, I am not afraid to tell you the truth, if I wanted you out of my life I would say so. I don't. I am not willing to give up on us unless you want out. I told you the other day if you told me you wanted to be with Ron, I would hate but accept it. The reason is I do love you and want you to be as happy as is possible, even if it is with someone else. I fell in love wiht you and that is not going to change. I will always be ther for you no matter what our outcome is. And no I am not assuming anything on where it will go. I don't know, I know where I want it to go. All I can do is try. I love you and always will!

---

From: Tonya
To: Chris
Sent: Sunday, December 7, 2008 8:37:59 PM
Subject: Re: Us

I love you so very much.

---

From: Christopher
To: Tonya
Sent: Monday, December 8, 2008 8:17:48 AM
Subject: Re: Us

And I love you

Chris said something last night that still has my mind running in circles. When I asked what he was processing had anything to do with us he said no that what he was dealing with was him and nothing that could be dealt with right away. So my mind automatically goes to, he wants us to move out. He's not serious about letting fate decide on a house. About calling on 2 and 4+ bedrooms and the first to say yes is where we'll go. So... I'm on the hunt today for 2 or 3 bedrooms for just my mom, Ryder and I. I think...if not for the kids...and how much I have fallen in love with them...that I might have already walked away. He's different, and we're different, and no amount of explaining that he's just got a lot going on, and a lot to think about, and that as long as I don't cheat he's not going anywhere will change the fact it's different. I was happy with Chris, and I have fallen in love with him, and there is nothing more that I want still than to marry him, but sometimes you just have to face the truth. No matter how much we don't want another failed relationship, no matter how much we don't want to hurt, sometimes love just isn't enough. I know...you all are thinking...see we told you. We told you it was going too fast, that you didn't know one another, and we don't blame you for walking away, or it not working. To that I say fuck you. I put up with so much shit, and put my neck on the line so many times, and forgave and forgot so much with Big for 10 months. And where did that get me? No where. He was in Idaho over the weekend, that's where it got me. Had we been together or not, had Chris not been in the picture, and it was just Big and I, I can guarantee he would have been there anyway. That's where the last 11 months got me. So I took a risk, a chance, to finally be happy, and have someone feel about me, the way I feel about them...maybe I was wrong again.
When we were at the base the other day with his friend Larry, he and I were talking. Chris doesn't know what about we kept shushing him away. He gave me the real friend speech, that I better not hurt him. That Chris thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, that he was skeptical at first, but seeing and talking to me he sees now why Chris did what he did to scoop me up. That was so nice to hear, Larry has no idea how nice that was to hear. On the way down Chris told me Lorin thinks I need to move out, his landlord Bob called and told Chris with all those people living there you're going to do right and take care of me, right? I'm sorry what?! This place is clean, the yard is kept up, the house is always decorated nicely for the holidays. The jeep is where no one can see it barely. I'm just...
His mom hugged me after Thanksgiving dinner, and thanked me for the best meal she's had in a while. I knew it would take a while for his family to warm up to me, so I'm glad it's getting there. I think Resa's good with us, his brothers and other sister...not so much. She was coridal if not fridged at Paul's Baptism. Paul's wife was nice, Paul said nothing...
I dunno...Beriet seems...indifferent. I thought her and I would have hit it off the easiest..Jocelyn is like my shadow. She has to always have her arms around me. Ethan...was the first to call me mom..to Melissa...she was not happy. Ethan seems to love my mom, he talks and talks and talks to her.
We're a family...and I love our family...I wish Axell was more involved in it. I know him changing his last name really hurt Chris, so I do get that things are going on...but they're just...different...and I hate it.

So Chris walks in the door, says hello, and walks right upstairs. Like the dutiful wife I make his plate bring it upstairs, and he's playing Jewel Quest. Now a week ago even when he walks in the door it's instant make out session. We are hardly ever able to keep our hands off one another, we gross our friends out we're so lovely dovey. Where did that go? We've kissed each other all of 10 times in the past 3 days. Ever since he went to the hotel with the kids for the weekend. He never calls during the day like he used to. Didn't even answer a text from me today, after an hour I called. He asked tonight what was wrong, and I told him, he said he's not going anywhere, that the only thing that would make him leave is if I cheated. That even if I went back to Big he would still fight to get me back. Part of me thinks this is all more than he thought it would be, Ryder, my mom, and I. Especially Ryder and I. I think sometimes, I think too much. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is everything I have ever wanted and never knew I was looking for. In the words of Big, you never know what could happen in the future. I just hope my future is with Chris.

So Chris and I narrowed down that we're going to do the wedding thing right. Friends, family, the kids, whole nine.
I still think we need to use the Vegas time share and just shotgun it and be man and wife, because I can not wait to call that man my husband. Then we can plan the big one.
Just a small wedding him and I and Elvis, just us knowing we're married.
His 3rd ex-wife Melissa, thinks I'm cute, and is apparently jealous as hell that I'm younger than her, and much younger than Chris. She's even more bent about the fact Chris and I are going to have more children.
The house hunt is slow but steady, ever damn one I find is a fucking scam on craigslist. Freaking ridiculous.
Beriet is still on the hunt for a halloween costume, poor girl. They've been hunting for 4 days now at about 5 or 6 stores a night.
I can not WAIT to finally be there and be with my family.

So I really know how to step in it. C and I were texting last night, and then he called. I answered, we were on the phone for 40 minutes. I had to pee and check on Ryder, so I said I'd call him back, and I did. . .about 2 hours later we ended the call. He called again this morning, and is going to call me later tonight. Big and I were on the phone before and after, texting in between, and was the last texts at night. Like he used to be.
He also met K last night. Which I am more okay with than I thought I would be. Still sucks they met each other before I met either lol.
Then there's J who's like my horror movie soulmate, and is just so intelligent and funny. Quick on the draw.
And now Idaho turned out to be the bitch I knew she was. Using her new found religion to chastise Big for the way he lives, when no more than a week ago she was doing the same things as he.
I have a date with both J and C when I get there, but I know if Big is like let's make a go of this, I will drop them like a bad habit. I really like C though. The idea though, that's he's 38, with a 21 year old son, who is trying to make him a grandfather; at 25 is kinda scary. He has 4 kids, and he's amazing with them. He says the most amazing things to me, he seems to be mesmerized by me or something. He thinks everything I do is fantastic. He calls just to say good morning, texts whenever he gets a free minute. And was showing me around to his co-workers on his cell the other day. He thanks me for talking to him, and tells me he enjoys it. He says things like he's amazed at how I handle things with Ryder. I don't know if part of his charm is the way he just spoils me with affection. It's been a long time, a very long time, since I've had someone do that.
Big is the love of my life, and he's doing this incredible thing. He's wanted to live in Vegas for the longest time. He's giving that chance up to make sure I have a place to stay in Cedar. He's telling them on Monday that he wants to do what he was hired on for and go to Cedar for 6 months, and if then things need to change he'll go to Vegas. He wants us to put the lease in our name and still take care of the deposit and stuff. I don't even know what to make of that. He keeps saying taking me into consideration, and I cry, I literally cry every time he says it. I keep telling him that he doesn't need to do that, but on the other hand, I am SO thankful he is.
We'll see what Monday holds, they may very well tell him no you have to stay. Things are just getting so complicated. And scary. I feel like a hypocrite. I keep telling Big not to deny us, and that it's not fair to push the idea of an us to the backburner solely because of the distance, yet here I am with C, planning a few months worth of activities the weekend after I get there. It started as a distraction from Big, something to ease me into the idea of he and Idaho. Now I don't know what it is. I know I love him with every fiber of my being, and I have for a very long time. If he said today I want to be with you and you only, I would drop everyone else in my life, but I am starting to feel bad about it with C, which means I am starting to like him more than I thought.
Serenity prayer time.