Why do I even have the right to get angry I pushed him away long before he pushed me. I knew though, all those promises of I have so many things I want to show you, and I feel like I'm that kid's dad, and forehead kisses, and FUCK YOU BUDDY!
Seems others need to learn what omission means. Why is it so god damn hard for you to just fucking tell me things?!
My son will NEVER meet another man EVER.
- ...:::Feeling:::...:
pissed off - ...:::Singing::...:Chris Cornell - Scream
We get there and the nurse comes in starts asking all kinds of questions, Dr comes in asks all the same questions. They get him nakey, get his vitals, he pees all over the nurse, they swaddle him and put him in the crib. We talk some more, and I'm thinking son of a bitch I have to get a hold of David and get medical records. Fuck me sideways.
Dr leaves to look at his chart, and I'm sitting there in the room bawling. Dr comes back in and says well he's awake, he's eating, he's peeing, he's pooping, he's a small kid, but he's not emaciated or gaunt. We can keep him here or send him home to keep doing what you're doing, and have him checked every other day. I said do you think him saying is necessary? He said no, so home we are. I have a journal that I have to keep track of what he eats, when he eats, how long, how much, what breast, and when, when he poops, pees, what color, how much.
Andy calls on the way home asking where we are, what happened, what's going on, text him later, how am I? It was like sitting in a cooker, but while he may not be there at the time things are happening, he's there as soon as possible, and I can not thank him enough. Going through all this alone is heartbreaking and makes things a million times worse. It's so nice having someone to lean on. Than GOD he is home from Texas, the first damn thing I heard walking in the door was how Ike tripled in size, and those not heading the evacuation orders face certain death. Fucking crazy.
Leaving him is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. Or it could be telling him at dinner that we're leaving. I'll get back to you on it.
I was so damn scared. Thank God we're home.
- ...:::Feeling:::...:
exhausted
My 3 choices are this:
Wausau - Have a few good friends there, Trent, Ryan, and found a really cute house with a pick your plan lease option to buy (pics below). While Ryan is interested, and Trent's been there since Jason and I split, there's no 'boy drama' there. No memories of a life gone wrong, no wrong decisions made, but it's still in WI, and Wausau is not the booming town of Madison/Middleton, if staying in WI is my choice.
Middleton/Madison - Andy's there, business is good. If not for Andy I know bringing Ryder into the world would have been near impossible. I know for a fact I wouldn't be here right now, hearing him through Stephanie saying stay with me baby, stay with me baby, was the only thing I could hear, aside from Ryder, when I was literally slipping away. I knew I needed to be here for my son. I knew Andy needed me to be here for Ryder, and him too. It seems he and I are the only ones who can understand the pain. Of loving someone so much, it kills you, but you do it anyway. You set them free, you stand on your own two wobbly feet, and you try to make a life without them. You try to be there to support them, you smile through your tears. You comfort through your heart breaking. A pain so intense you can literally feel the insides on fire and shattering. You force yourself up in the day, you force yourself to sleep alone at night. You hang on to hope that one day, it will hurt just a little less. Just a little.
I'm sorry Andy, he's my Liz. You know that. Despite what you said. . .I know what I need to do. . .I can't. I'll never lose hope, just as you won't.
Cedar City - The more I think about this one. . .what I thought was true. . .he was there all weekend, called in sick yesterday and spent another day there. Part of me think he's throwing his entire life into her, because his entire life is about to change. However you can't deny when the man you are completely in love with tells you he's thought about giving it all up for her, yet the thought never crossed his mind to call in sick for a day and be with you. Or that she's thought about giving it all up for him, when you were already in the process. Especially when you've been talking all weekend to someone about renting this house on October 1st.
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- ...:::Feeling:::...:
confused - ...:::Singing::...:Rod Stewart - My Heart Can't Tell Me No
I see Andy being a very good friend, but he's right, for all the shit he and I have been through and the way we've been royally screwed we both need to be single for a while. Just enjoy each other, and what life has to offer.
I think he wants me for my son, lol. Well he helped bring him into the world, and as he says he feels like Ryder's dad. Nothing about my life has been conventional so maybe Ryder has found a dad in someone who is not (yet hopefully) my partner as well.
Ironically enough Andy and I still hold out some semi hope for the ones that got away. We both know we've met our 'ones' already, but the two of them were just too selfish to see, or to care, and have since moved on to other people. That's been our bond though. Our pain.
Ryder's bili is down to 12, he's finally off that damn Star Trek bed. He's up to 6lbs 13 oz, he has another 4 days to get back up to 7lbs 6 oz. We have another weight check Saturday. My hgb is up to 10, and better yet, lost 30 lbs!!!!!
Still have a long way to go, but I feel great for losing that much so far. Considering I only lost 10 when Ieft the hospital, 7 of which was Ryder.
It's finally nice out today so I'm gonna start walking so I can get back into running shape. 30lbs down, an ass, belly, and thighs more to go.
On a geeky, tech, side note. . .I am fucking OBSESSED with this last.fm thing. Friggin sweet! And speaking of music:
My new anthem and the 2nd is just a damn good song:
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- ...:::Feeling:::...:
contemplative - ...:::Singing::...:Band of Horses - The Funeral
Someone better looking. . .
Someone smarter. . .
Someone more talented. . .
Someone closer. . .
Someone older. . .
Someone younger. . .
Someone without children. . .
Someone with a career. . .
Someone with a home. . .
Someone with brown eyes instead of blue. . .
Someone with blond hair instead of dyed brown. . .
Someone thinner. . .
Someone wthout post baby weight. . .
Someone without baggage. . .
Someone taller. . .
Someone shorter. . .
Someone less insecure. . .
Someone with a daughter instead of a son. . .
Someone more carefree. . .
Someone who didn't have a baby a little over a week ago. . .
Someone who didn't need you so desperately to get through. . .
Someone who didn't love to write and send letters that ought not to be sent. . .
Someone in the military. . .
Someone with more class. . .
Someone less vulgar. . .
Someone who knows how to ride a Harley. . .
Someone who can leave her children to go drink in another state. . .
Someone who can tell lies like they can pour water. . .
Someone less brutally honest. . .
Someone more punk, goth, jock, emo, prep. . .
Someone different. . .
Someone better. . .
Someone prettier. . .
Someone. . .Anyone. . .
When do I get to be the someone?
- ...:::Feeling:::...:
gloomy
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