Chris said something last night that still has my mind running in circles. When I asked what he was processing had anything to do with us he said no that what he was dealing with was him and nothing that could be dealt with right away. So my mind automatically goes to, he wants us to move out. He's not serious about letting fate decide on a house. About calling on 2 and 4+ bedrooms and the first to say yes is where we'll go. So... I'm on the hunt today for 2 or 3 bedrooms for just my mom, Ryder and I. I think...if not for the kids...and how much I have fallen in love with them...that I might have already walked away. He's different, and we're different, and no amount of explaining that he's just got a lot going on, and a lot to think about, and that as long as I don't cheat he's not going anywhere will change the fact it's different. I was happy with Chris, and I have fallen in love with him, and there is nothing more that I want still than to marry him, but sometimes you just have to face the truth. No matter how much we don't want another failed relationship, no matter how much we don't want to hurt, sometimes love just isn't enough. I know...you all are thinking...see we told you. We told you it was going too fast, that you didn't know one another, and we don't blame you for walking away, or it not working. To that I say fuck you. I put up with so much shit, and put my neck on the line so many times, and forgave and forgot so much with Big for 10 months. And where did that get me? No where. He was in Idaho over the weekend, that's where it got me. Had we been together or not, had Chris not been in the picture, and it was just Big and I, I can guarantee he would have been there anyway. That's where the last 11 months got me. So I took a risk, a chance, to finally be happy, and have someone feel about me, the way I feel about them...maybe I was wrong again.
When we were at the base the other day with his friend Larry, he and I were talking. Chris doesn't know what about we kept shushing him away. He gave me the real friend speech, that I better not hurt him. That Chris thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, that he was skeptical at first, but seeing and talking to me he sees now why Chris did what he did to scoop me up. That was so nice to hear, Larry has no idea how nice that was to hear. On the way down Chris told me Lorin thinks I need to move out, his landlord Bob called and told Chris with all those people living there you're going to do right and take care of me, right? I'm sorry what?! This place is clean, the yard is kept up, the house is always decorated nicely for the holidays. The jeep is where no one can see it barely. I'm just...
His mom hugged me after Thanksgiving dinner, and thanked me for the best meal she's had in a while. I knew it would take a while for his family to warm up to me, so I'm glad it's getting there. I think Resa's good with us, his brothers and other sister...not so much. She was coridal if not fridged at Paul's Baptism. Paul's wife was nice, Paul said nothing...
I dunno...Beriet seems...indifferent. I thought her and I would have hit it off the easiest..Jocelyn is like my shadow. She has to always have her arms around me. Ethan...was the first to call me mom..to Melissa...she was not happy. Ethan seems to love my mom, he talks and talks and talks to her.
We're a family...and I love our family...I wish Axell was more involved in it. I know him changing his last name really hurt Chris, so I do get that things are going on...but they're just...different...and I hate it.